Feeling Overwhelmed

Work. School. Meetings. Spouse. Volunteering. Kids. Exercise. Sponsorship. Tee ball practice. Pets. Life. Sometimes it’s just too much for even the best of us, and the first thing we neglect is ourselves.

I feel this sensation of overwhelm much more often than I will own in conversation. I don’t like to admit that sometimes it’s just too much, or that at times folks collectively ask too much of me. I allow myself to be pulled in eight different directions at any given time and often wish that I could be doing more for more people. The fact is that I can’t really do what I am already doing most of the time- I find a way, but at the expense of my own serenity and joy (not to mention the time away from my wife).

I allow myself to get over-committed because I feel the siren’s song of overactive service as a means of making amends to the entire world for my years as a Grade-A self-centered schmuck. I feel like I owe a debt to everyone that I can never possibly repay, but that I also cannot neglect to make “payments” towards.

A big part of healthy sobriety is sponsorship and service to others (in or out of the context of recovery). Part of my service is because I must get outside of myself to maintain my sobriety, and part of it is because I feel called to do it out of an obligation to be unselfish. I never feel like I do enough even though I basically always do way too much.

The reason it never feels like enough is that I am chasing a ghost I can never catch- I cannot possibly get back the opportunities to do the right thing that I missed while in the throes of my active addiction, but I refuse to believe that not being able to “win” is ever a good enough reason to not try. I never want to be unavailable to the call of another person in need, because in many cases I am uniquely capable of offering support in a way that others cannot. I know that, so I answer the call.

The question becomes this: If I am doing so much for others in the name of maintaining my sobriety that I am actually putting my sobriety at risk, is it still the right thing to do?

Many of you don’t believe I will ever drink or drug again, but that is out of a lack of understanding about addiction. I promise you that you can’t fathom how close I have already come to relapse in my own mind. There are days I can taste the whiskey and feel the “drip” and all I want is to disappear into a soul-crushing black hole of my own creation. You can’t imagine how inexplicably drawn I am to crawling under a rock and hanging out with the rest of the decay.

Some moments of some days all I want to do is upset the apple cart of your expectations with my own tendency towards self-destruction JUST TO SHOW YOU THAT I CAN. In those times, I want to disappoint everyone and wreck everything just to destroy everyone’s expectations. I want to make you realize how unpredictable I am while at the same time craving your trust. I want to rage against the life I have built for myself because my base instinct will always be to self-destruct. I am addicted to self-pity. Part of me will always want to back myself into a corner so I can fight my way back out of it.

Yes, that is absolutely crazy. So am I.

Thanks goodness that my memory is not nearly as short as my ability to control my impulses. I can’t afford to forget what that life was like and how horribly miserable that non-existence actually was. Do I need to be more effective at setting boundaries? 100% in the affirmative. Is that a good enough reason to drink today? 100% in the negative and it never will be.

Attraction, Rather Than Promotion

Many of the most successful fellowships supporting those with addictions, obsessions or compulsions operate off of the principle of attraction rather than promotion regarding those outside the four walls of the meeting.  No one is supposed to be out in the community at large "evangelizing" on behalf of AA, NA or any of the other numerous Twelve Step-based programs (I'm only addressing those types of programs here, although as an aside I readily acknowledge that many other successful programs of recovery exist). This idea is based on the eleventh tradition as authored in the early years of Alcoholics Anonymous. Today I’d like to dive into some of the reasons why this is the rule and some of the strengths of this “policy.”

The things about a choice-based lifestyle change (positive change, obviously) is that a person has to want to do it for reasons that will genuinely make it stick. “The right reasons” don’t often coincide with advertisement or solicitation, (or court order for that matter) although they can and sometimes do. When a person has come to a turning point they are typically looking for hope, support and the chance to grow. All of these things can be found in recovery fellowships if they are healthy, and that should be evident in the everyday lives of the members of the fellowship. Good sobriety typically begets maturity, understanding and serenity and these qualities are pretty attractive when lived out.

There are a good many groups who could learn a thing or two from the practical application of this idea of attraction rather than promotion. It’s based on not just having a “thing” that people are seeking, but having members who are more engrossed by living out the principles of the group than trying to win the crowd. It’s “I am who I am, and if you like who I am, I can tell you a bit about how I got to be this way if you ask.”

There’s not supposed to be the constant attempt to publicly spoon-feed anyone anything if individual members are honoring this tradition. No advertising or promoting is needed because those who are actively living this way of life have something good that is also contagious. If you hear something that resonates and you want to give that way of life a shot, there’s a pretty clear path forward - you keep coming back. If not, maybe you don’t; the fact is that the ones who are in need and ready to change tend to find their way back sooner rather than later.

No one needs to rent billboard space to say “Come see what all the fuss is about!” If you are ready, you seek and then you find that which you sought. 

Resentment Prevention

Resentment is the number one offender- that’s what the AA Big Book tells us and as the text that spells out the original formula for the most successful program of recovery, we ought to give what it says some real consideration. Untended resentments are at the root of many, many relapses in the world of addiction and as (mostly) functioning and intelligent adults we ought to have a plan in place to deal with them before they have the chance to deal with us. This would be a proactive, preventative way of handling potential resentments before they have the opportunity to ferment into “the big nasty” itself.

In order to form an effective strategy for preventing resentments before they have the chance to fully form, we have to discover the roots. From what behaviors, events or circumstances do our resentments form? How do we recognize those things in time to act in a way that will keep them from boiling up and over into a full-blown resentment?

We also have to qualify that a bit; we must practice some accountability and acceptance around things in our life first in order to keep events and circumstances in the right perspective. The easiest way to avoid most resentments is to realize that you have to “accept the things you cannot change, have the courage to change the things you can’t, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

We must do all we can to not allow something we cannot change to eat away at us; this in some ways is the ol’ “Poor me, poor me, pour me another shot” mentality. If you can’t do anything about it, you kinda have to accept it. You can choose to be mad about it, but that won’t usually do anything positive. If you can do something to affect positive movement on the issue, then stand up and act or forfeit your right to feel the effects.

If something has happened and you feel wronged, (or that a loved one has been wronged) take a moment to consider your (or the loved one’s) role in the situation first. If after an honest evaluation you feel certain that you or your loved one are in the right and you’re in a position to advocate on your own behalf or the behalf of your loved one, you must do so in a calm but resolute way. You really can’t afford to let it fester long enough to become a sore spot, so you must speak up in the right way at the right moment.

If we allow a potential resentment to bubble up until it reaches the point of boiling over, we have done ourselves and our sobriety a great disservice. Our serenity and satisfaction are too valuable to sacrifice by a lack of willingness to speak up. This is often difficult, but when carefully measured and delivered it is powerful. We must guard against resentments with the same vigor with which we would defend our most treasured family or friends, because an unresolved resentment could result in a direct assault on our relationships, our joy and our sobriety.

Wellness

Most substance abuse/addiction rehabilitation plans focus almost entirely on the mental and spiritual well-being of the addict. While these are obviously foundational elements of recovery, the whole person needs rehabilitation. This means nutritionally and physically working to repair the myriad traumas to which we have subjected our bodies. In my experience it is all-too-common to find buckets full of cigarette butts outside every door of a treatment or regular meeting facility while inside gallon after gallon of coffee is consumed ravenously.

We addicts aren’t exactly awesome at moderation (how else did we end up here?!?) and we most often substitute one seemingly less-harmful addiction for that from which we are trying to recover. In the course of our active addiction we necessarily put our bodies through hell and that might not stop upon our earnest attempt to get clean and sober. While we work to change our “stinking thinking,” we don’t often work to make ourselves truly, wholly healthy.

There doesn’t seem to be a very typical occurrence of even the most basic of attempts within the recovery community to educate folks on the necessity of overall wellness; we will literally spend hours at a time talking through our “spiritual malady” and our diseased thinking but not often do we touch on taking care of the bodies that we have driven to terminal velocity for years. It is a very rare person who has the opportunity to carry the message forward when dealing with constantly ill health.

We must start to emphasize for ourselves a bit of physical health if we want to do all of the living that we haven’t done over the years or decades of addiction. Just like getting sober, sometimes we have to take it 10 minutes or one hour at a time. Start small and then progress towards a place of balanced, healthy living for our bodies, minds and spirits.

As humans we are that total package of mind, body and spirit and the neglect of any aspect of our heath is us doing ourselves a grave disservice. I am not advocating that everyone in recovery from an addiction or compulsion become an ultra-marathoner or Iron(wo)man triathlete; I do know that we must start slowly and being to take care of our bodies in the way in which we were intended. We must be as kind to our physical selves are we are to our spiritual. 

Don't Start

As an addict there are things that we aren’t equipped to stop doing once we have started. The first drink, snort, fried pie or video clip sends us down into an irreversible tailspin from which there is a very real threat of never recovering. The fact is that we don’t have to concern ourselves today with the 12th shot of whiskey or the last dust off the eightball because our primary issue is with the first ANYTHING. We’ll never reach a blackout if we don’t get started.

We have to realize that with anything we cannot stop, we must not start. The first is worse than the last because our last doesn’t exist without our first. The insanity of the first _____ is something that for years we couldn’t avoid, but now dodging it is the most necessary of all the things we do. We cannot reach the part of our recovery wherein we may repair our lives if we never fully stop the behavior. How can we hope to see the end of the tunnel otherwise?

How does one avoid the first ______ ? It starts with self-awareness. I know that my sobriety neither requires nor necessitate anyone elses’ and I don’t expect others to modify the way they live on my behalf- my sobriety is my responsibility and no one besides me can keep it or jeopardize it. I have to know when something doesn’t feel right and act accordingly.

At times it means “keeping gas in the car and air in your tires”- you have to know when a situation becomes one that you must leave immediately. Sobriety is the foundation for everything in the lives of recovering addicts and as such it must be carefully guarded.

For everyone in recovery the exact answer is different, but for many it involves speaking with or getting around our fellows. We must be so in-tune with our own thinking that we recognize when it is just time to pick up the phone or get our butts to a meeting or other recovery fellowship. You do what you must to get where you must be.

A relapse never sneaks up on anyone, although many or most don’t see it until they have the benefit of hindsight. When you aren’t “taking your medicine” you will get sick and it is your responsibility alone to be sure you do what you know you need to. There are certain elements that are absolutes when it comes to sobriety and while everyone has a different relapse prevention plan, it all will always involve avoiding “the first” by any means.

Towards or Away From?

For me, the decision to change my life and get sober was one made out of necessity; I knew I was going nowhere fast and I had to either make a drastic change or risk dying young after I’d shaped a legacy I couldn’t respect. I was honestly moving away from mediocrity more strongly than I was towards a new life. I was tired of the guilt and shame, perpetually underachieving and being the ultimate “If only he would” guy.

I was also scared to go backwards, because I had a strong feeling that I knew what was waiting for me if I did. In those earlier days that fear was at times all that kept me sober - if it comes down to it, I’ll gladly stay sober only out of fear today if that is all that stands between me and the next drink or drug. I’ll take it if that’s all I’ve got because it beats the heck out of the alternative.

On my best days I have transformed into a man who is moving towards the life of my dreams rather than running away from my living nightmare. I am drawn by hope and the promise of a life worth living rather than being repelled by remorse and the realization that if I go “back out” I may not live long enough to make it “back in.” I am convinced that I stand a 99% chance of not surviving a relapse if it ever happens, and today (thankfully every day so far) I can’t reconcile with that thought.

I have changed my way of viewing things in sobriety and the most noteworthy evidence of that is a shift in the way I view sobriety itself. It’s not about what I’m not doing any longer; sobriety is about who I am NOW. It’s where I’m going rather that where I’ve been, although my best shot at making this life keep working includes never forgetting where and why it changed.

The sober mind of an addict is hard at work trying to convince us that the bad times weren’t so bad and that the fun times made it all worth it. Wouldn’t it all be worth it again? Perhaps it would, if only I hadn’t realized that the fun was temporary and not genuine; I was looking at an illusion through the lens of a bender. I felt good only because of the chemicals in my body, and today I choose to feel happy because of something more lasting.

Fear is a powerful motivator and can often drive positive change. I consider fear to be a negative emotion and as such it isn’t really something that I choose to acknowledge often in my life these days. I certainly do have things that I fear but I don’t dwell in that space. I prefer to be motivated by the fulfillment I seek as opposed to being driven by fear I seek to escape.

Is fear motivating you into moving away from something today? I don’t think that is necessarily a bad thing, although I believe that it ceases to be positive if that becomes your normal. I would encourage anything to find something good to move towards as a replacement. For me it means a happier and better life, and that may become your reality as well. Give it a chance, because it will make a difference.

Staying Right-Sized

One concept of recovery that doesn’t seem to have as much emphasis or discussion is the idea of “staying right-sized.” What exactly does it mean and how does a person go about it? Why isn’t it spoken about as frequently as “first things first” or “one day at a time?” This saying has been on my heart and mind lately, which to me is an indication that I need to take steps to process through it and begin to apply it.

Staying right-sized to me refers to the idea of not allowing yourself or your role to become too big or too small in your own mind. After all, it is our mind that can effectively ensnare us or cause us to take the first steps towards freedom. Our mindset is key on many levels, addict or not. Each of us is a powerful, capable and dynamic force. None of us can control another person’s thoughts, feelings or emotions. We exist in the median between the mundane and the spectacular, neither as insignificant nor as vital as we sometimes begin to feel. The false ego of the addict touches both ends of that spectrum as we project our greatness while grappling with crippling insecurities.

While it may come to pass for a moment in anyone’s life that we hold space on one extreme or the other, the most likely scenario involves our being big enough to matter, yet small enough to stay connected to reality. The fact is that our lives are but a blinking of a whisper of a trail of dust when compared with the grandiose size of all that is, was and will ever be. Our lives have value, but the significance is lost entirely when we live only for ourselves. Our lives simply don’t stretch out enough for them to be worth living if our aim is self-aggrandizement.

We are valuable and our worth is most directly reflected in the lives of those whose suffering is abated by ours. If we cannot reconcile the past and use it to help others, then all the trauma was for naught. We addicts must face our wrongdoing, forgive ourselves and pivot around into usefulness on behalf of our fellows. If we can’t make good on all that our experiences (should have) taught us, then that struggle was for naught. Our time getting wasted was wasted time if all it gave us was a collection of regrets, and honestly our time as sober, productive humans is just as empty if we are only helping ourselves.

Our time on Earth is woefully short. We must make it mean something or we are no different from the grass, birds or plankton, and even those beings seem to somehow understand that a life well-lived is lived in service of others.