Feeling Overwhelmed

Work. School. Meetings. Spouse. Volunteering. Kids. Exercise. Sponsorship. Tee ball practice. Pets. Life. Sometimes it’s just too much for even the best of us, and the first thing we neglect is ourselves.

I feel this sensation of overwhelm much more often than I will own in conversation. I don’t like to admit that sometimes it’s just too much, or that at times folks collectively ask too much of me. I allow myself to be pulled in eight different directions at any given time and often wish that I could be doing more for more people. The fact is that I can’t really do what I am already doing most of the time- I find a way, but at the expense of my own serenity and joy (not to mention the time away from my wife).

I allow myself to get over-committed because I feel the siren’s song of overactive service as a means of making amends to the entire world for my years as a Grade-A self-centered schmuck. I feel like I owe a debt to everyone that I can never possibly repay, but that I also cannot neglect to make “payments” towards.

A big part of healthy sobriety is sponsorship and service to others (in or out of the context of recovery). Part of my service is because I must get outside of myself to maintain my sobriety, and part of it is because I feel called to do it out of an obligation to be unselfish. I never feel like I do enough even though I basically always do way too much.

The reason it never feels like enough is that I am chasing a ghost I can never catch- I cannot possibly get back the opportunities to do the right thing that I missed while in the throes of my active addiction, but I refuse to believe that not being able to “win” is ever a good enough reason to not try. I never want to be unavailable to the call of another person in need, because in many cases I am uniquely capable of offering support in a way that others cannot. I know that, so I answer the call.

The question becomes this: If I am doing so much for others in the name of maintaining my sobriety that I am actually putting my sobriety at risk, is it still the right thing to do?

Many of you don’t believe I will ever drink or drug again, but that is out of a lack of understanding about addiction. I promise you that you can’t fathom how close I have already come to relapse in my own mind. There are days I can taste the whiskey and feel the “drip” and all I want is to disappear into a soul-crushing black hole of my own creation. You can’t imagine how inexplicably drawn I am to crawling under a rock and hanging out with the rest of the decay.

Some moments of some days all I want to do is upset the apple cart of your expectations with my own tendency towards self-destruction JUST TO SHOW YOU THAT I CAN. In those times, I want to disappoint everyone and wreck everything just to destroy everyone’s expectations. I want to make you realize how unpredictable I am while at the same time craving your trust. I want to rage against the life I have built for myself because my base instinct will always be to self-destruct. I am addicted to self-pity. Part of me will always want to back myself into a corner so I can fight my way back out of it.

Yes, that is absolutely crazy. So am I.

Thanks goodness that my memory is not nearly as short as my ability to control my impulses. I can’t afford to forget what that life was like and how horribly miserable that non-existence actually was. Do I need to be more effective at setting boundaries? 100% in the affirmative. Is that a good enough reason to drink today? 100% in the negative and it never will be.