External Validation

As much as I hate to admit it, I must own the fact that I need external validation/approval much more than it might seem. When I sit and think about it, the root of this need (desire) is fairly simple to trace: as much as I love my father, he was not one to make it very clear to me that he was proud of me (or proud of anyone to their face). That fact was my favorite thing to drink and drug over for years. 

He told anyone else who would listen how proud of me he was. He was deeply proud of the way I handled blowing out my knee my senior year in football and he almost admired the resiliency I showed in bouncing back from my car wreck. I never got to hear these things first hand and he will never have the chance to tell me. This is a void that can't ever truly be filled, although I have tried desperately to do so. I try to fill that void now without admitting it - until this post, that is. 

I shun or deflect praise whenever I receive it, but the truth is that I crave it more than you can or will ever know.

Sometimes I really feel like my mom has gone out of her way to try and make up for those expressions of pride that my dad left unsaid. Growing up there was never any doubt that my mom was proud, and I have no room to doubt it now. Some of that probably also comes from her mom (my grandmother, obviously) making a conscious effort, as she once told me, to never let someone feel too good about themselves lest they get a big head. She told me this years ago and it’s plain to see the effect it has had on my mother.

The truth is that if I only have my own best estimate to guide me, my worth is much less than you’d imagine. I need reassurances that the average adult has grown beyond seeking. I still usually feel weak and only occasionally worthwhile. I mostly just dislike myself.

If I care for you and if I think you’re disappointed in me or have started to dislike me too, it literally makes me feel as though my soul is collapsing in on itself and I want to die. The darkness is crushing.

I have a very fragile sort of strength when it comes to “me.” I obviously make it by day-to-day and have a fulfilling life that involves helping others, which is all I’ve truly wanted since I was a child. I can be a magnificent resource in that way for others, but I have a difficult-nigh-impossible time being kind to myself so I need you to do that for me. To depend on another human in that way, selfish and self-centered beings that we are, is to set myself up for repeated disappointment because that is no one else’s obligation.

The first kindness that I owe is to myself and I simply must do a better job of paying it. Does any of this resonate with you? If so, this may be a bill you owe to yourself as well and maybe we can grow better at this together.