Towards or Away From?

For me, the decision to change my life and get sober was one made out of necessity; I knew I was going nowhere fast and I had to either make a drastic change or risk dying young after I’d shaped a legacy I couldn’t respect. I was honestly moving away from mediocrity more strongly than I was towards a new life. I was tired of the guilt and shame, perpetually underachieving and being the ultimate “If only he would” guy.

I was also scared to go backwards, because I had a strong feeling that I knew what was waiting for me if I did. In those earlier days that fear was at times all that kept me sober - if it comes down to it, I’ll gladly stay sober only out of fear today if that is all that stands between me and the next drink or drug. I’ll take it if that’s all I’ve got because it beats the heck out of the alternative.

On my best days I have transformed into a man who is moving towards the life of my dreams rather than running away from my living nightmare. I am drawn by hope and the promise of a life worth living rather than being repelled by remorse and the realization that if I go “back out” I may not live long enough to make it “back in.” I am convinced that I stand a 99% chance of not surviving a relapse if it ever happens, and today (thankfully every day so far) I can’t reconcile with that thought.

I have changed my way of viewing things in sobriety and the most noteworthy evidence of that is a shift in the way I view sobriety itself. It’s not about what I’m not doing any longer; sobriety is about who I am NOW. It’s where I’m going rather that where I’ve been, although my best shot at making this life keep working includes never forgetting where and why it changed.

The sober mind of an addict is hard at work trying to convince us that the bad times weren’t so bad and that the fun times made it all worth it. Wouldn’t it all be worth it again? Perhaps it would, if only I hadn’t realized that the fun was temporary and not genuine; I was looking at an illusion through the lens of a bender. I felt good only because of the chemicals in my body, and today I choose to feel happy because of something more lasting.

Fear is a powerful motivator and can often drive positive change. I consider fear to be a negative emotion and as such it isn’t really something that I choose to acknowledge often in my life these days. I certainly do have things that I fear but I don’t dwell in that space. I prefer to be motivated by the fulfillment I seek as opposed to being driven by fear I seek to escape.

Is fear motivating you into moving away from something today? I don’t think that is necessarily a bad thing, although I believe that it ceases to be positive if that becomes your normal. I would encourage anything to find something good to move towards as a replacement. For me it means a happier and better life, and that may become your reality as well. Give it a chance, because it will make a difference.