Denial Revisted

Denial is most simply defined as not being truthful with one’s self. As harmful as deceit is, it is at its’ most venomous level of toxicity when it is pointed at ourselves. You cannot begin to be truthful with anyone else when you aren’t honest with yourself. Denial is perhaps the most base and dangerous of the types of self-deceit.

The downward spiral of denial begins with the addict’s best friend and constant companion: justification. We are masters of rationalizing even the unhealthiest behaviors to ourselves. This usually begins with, “Well, I’m nowhere near as bad as that guy. He’s got a problem,” and all-too-often ends with “So what if I’m drinking at 7 in the morning? It levels me out and helps me be more productive. At least it keeps me from killing my boss.” We can and will convince ourselves that any and all of our behaviors are not merely okay but typically good ideas.

Want to act like a degenerate while ducking the guilt associated with it? Rationalize it. Want to miss (or lose the ability to) work, alienate friends and family and destroy your reputation without losing any sleep? Deny within your own mind the severity of your actions and count sheep while your world crumbles around you. Hey, who’s worried about any of that stuff anyway? Nothing a little vodka won’t help you forget for a night.

The shaky part is what happens when you are confronted with the undeniable, inescapable facts and you’ve run out of excuses and exhausted your supply of mistruths. Eventually you just run out of lies and are really only left with the cold truth of your misdeeds. No one could’ve convinced you at any point before that because you were too lost in the throes of the disease.

It is nearly impossible for a “normal” person to understand what that denial is like. They cannot grasp just how wrapped up in it you are and just how much it becomes your reality, no matter how fictional.

Being unwilling to acknowledge a problem won’t ever make the problem go away.  Without fail it continues to intensify the issue across its’ depth, width and breadth until it has enveloped its’ target. The addict is figuratively drowning in a sea of self-deceit and literally drowning in a habit that is killing him or her as it robs them of their ability to really live.

There is no magic formula by which to combat denial. It simply takes the addict having a rock-bottom moment of clarity to be able to see what everyone else in his or her life has known. The question for the addict to answer for him or herself then becomes this: How much are you willing to give up before you refuse to lose anything else? When is enough finally, fatefully enough? Only you can make that decision, and only you can draw that line. 

Disappointment

We have all faced disappointment from others. You see, as humans we are uniquely gifted to let other humans down. For the addict the guilt, shame and remorse that accompany those moments wherein we have let down those folks who are brave enough to love us is enough to choke the life out of any hope we have for sobriety.

The guilt and shame that live hand-in-hand with all the foolish decisions and hurtful diatribes are favorite things to drink or pick up about.  How simple it is to escape those feelings by looking for the solution to and shelter from our mistakes at the bottom of that bottle or on the other side of that “good, good night.”

Conversely, the feeling of being disappointed is immeasurably difficult to describe. We all know it and have felt it, and as addicts we often times have been the cause of it for our loved ones. To be on the receiving end is an empty, lonely and frankly pitiful feeling. We tend to set ourselves up for disappointment by placing too much of our faith and hope into other humans, forgetting briefly that they are at least as imperfect as are we and every bit as fallible and prone to indiscretion.

How does a healthy person process through the disappointment? I am no expert here; I’ve more often handled disappointments and the accompanying hurts in the least healthy ways you can imagine. I could make a laundry list of the things to not do, but I will make an attempt at positing about some action to take as well.

For one thing, don’t try and hide from or deny the feelings of hurt and disappointment.  Acknowledge them but be careful not to dwell too long in them. Therein lies one of the main points of danger.  You can’t get caught up trying to deny them, as they will surely bubble to the surface eventually.  Admit that they are there and accept that they are real and valid.

The next step is definitely NOT trying to understand why the disappointment happened. This is one of the biggest mistakes we as humans repeatedly make. We don’t have to understand everything, especially when it comes to human nature. We can barely understand our own actions and are spinning our tires in the proverbial mud when we try and understand the actions of other humans. This is a perfect example of a time when we can practice some acceptance (it did happen, after all) and then become solution-oriented. Mucking about in the negative feelings will get you nowhere; on that subject I am an unquestionable expert. Focus on what must be done to repair and mend rather than what caused the damage. Healthy progress cannot be made any other way.

In all things, look to find the positive point-of-view as difficult as that may be. For “normal people” this is a tall order indeed, but a necessary effort. For an addict, it is so necessary that it becomes life-or-death. Instead of focusing on the problem or the way in which you were wronged, seek the lesson and the positive resolution, and therein find the beginning of your healing.

Getting and staying honest with yourself

Most of the time, the greatest task of the addict’s call to a life of rigorous honesty is turning that truth inward on yourself. It’s about undoing years of self-deception and setting things back on a level and starkly truthful plane.  A person can get so entangled in his or her own web of deceit that uncovering the truth about themselves becomes a Herculean task.

Addicts are con men and women so adept at the game of lies that they’ve blurred their self-perception to the point of buying wholly into their own smoke and mirrors. I convinced myself that my own façade was my reality, but it was only after I had set myself free from the trap that my mask represented that I was able to begin to live honestly with others. I’d convinced myself of many things that would help disguise my near-crippling insecurities and those walls had to be destroyed brick by brick if I was to ever find true happiness and peace.

The lies I told myself were necessarily interwoven with lies I told everyone around me, and like with any good tall tale my identity was more of a burden than an existence. I wasn’t an altogether bad guy but I sure did con my way into and out of situations as it would best benefit my interests, which usually revolved around my next bottle or gram or quarter ounce. 

As an active alcoholic and addict I was a womanizer and a troublemaker on my best days; on my worst I was capable of putting anyone unlucky enough to be in my vicinity in direct and real danger. I truthfully didn’t even have a grip on my next move and in the end many viewed me as a total wildcard and hazard to everyone around me and to myself.

There was such a hopeless, helpless feeling accompanying the thought that the soothing escape offered by any number of substances of abuse was my only truly reliable friend. This was one of the biggest lies of which I’d been convinced. I knew when everyone else got tired of my complaints, my bitterness and resentment that I could turn to the bottle, line, pill or the pipe and neither would they judge me nor grow weary of my rambling.

I had to humble myself enough to take an honest look at the man I had become and compare what I saw to the vision I held of the man I longed to be. I’d just grown tired of the lying, of being “that guy” and a horrifying disappointment rolled into one and knew that it was simply time. It was time to make a drastic change and time to step up and be who I was meant to be. To be that man who I was born to be, I set about on a way of life dedicated to acknowledging that I didn’t have to be weak and cowardly anymore.

I didn’t have to lie about who I was to feel good enough any longer.  Who I was happened to be more than just okay or good enough. My authentic self is a man who cares deeply, maintains fierce loyalty and humbly seeks always for knowledge and growth.  I live life passionately and do my best to live every moment at peace with my existence in that moment.

Today I practice a policy of rigorous honesty. I fall short of infallibly living that ideal, but it is an effort that finds its’ greatest value in genuine daily pursuit. The key remains staying honest with myself about who I am, why I am here and where I am going. Staying honest about what issues fall into the category of things I can control (only my own thoughts, words and actions) and its’ constant companion, things over which I have no control (everything else in the universe) is another cornerstone. Things have a way of falling into place at just the right time when we get and stay honest with our fellows and with ourselves.

Identity Crisis

An addict in recovery is faced with a difficult identity crisis. For years or maybe decades he or she has been first the life of the party, then “that” guy or girl, and finally a loner who has isolated from most everyone around so as to better bathe in the pain. And self-pity  How do you begin to transform the perception others have of you, or is it really of great concern to begin with? How do you change your identity into that of being a person-in-progress who also happens to be a recovering addict?

The mantra of “changing your playgrounds, playmates and playthings” is one that is emphatically mentioned quite often in the early stages of recovery. All the counselors at my rehab facility stressed the importance of this vital element, mainly due to the need to avoid triggers. This was balanced out by the “wherever you go, there you are” doctrine, which expresses the hard truth that moving to a different location will not effectively change the fact that the real problem is inside you.

So make that make sense for yourself for a moment: you cannot run from the real root of the problem, which is your diseased, insane mind, but you also can’t fall right back into the same behaviors and social circles and expect things to end up differently than they did before.  Translated, that means you have to confront the real issue while changing habits that will serve only to remind you of the “good” times and help you to “mis-remember” the misery.

So-called friends (your drinking and/or using buddies) will only try and pull you backwards so you can join them in the cycle of self-destruction, but true friends will actually be overjoyed that you’ve decided to become the “you” they always knew you could.  I personally have very good friends that have remained loyal since back in the craziness, but I still have to safeguard my sobriety if and when anyone chooses to partake.

My sobriety does not necessitate anyone else’s, and I always have to remember the wise words of my Uncle John: Keep the keys in your pocket, the tires round and some gas in the tank. If I have to leave a particular situation because I feel within myself that my sobriety and serenity are in jeopardy, my loved ones will understand. If I relapse, all the joy in my life will become transformed back to sorrowful loss and self-punishment.

I went through all the stages of identity that I’ve mentioned above, and now my identity is somewhat different. I’m just Jesse, and that is perfectly acceptable. To some people I’m just a recovering addict, and that is perfectly acceptable too. I am truly a blessed man to have gone through that transformation. This question always remains, however: Who will YOU be today?

Self-loathing

When an average person thinks of addiction triggers, they probably picture things that are much more glamorous or stylized than reality. No, I find no special urge at the sight of a short straw, an icy beverage or watching a good ol’ stoner movie. I’m not especially awakened by environmental stimuli. My triggers run from a much more internalized place.  

At some indeterminate place in my childhood, I began to struggle with just not liking myself. I was chubby, nerdy and white in schools with fellow students who were decidedly none of the three.  I could always use humor as a means of defusing a situation, but at an early age I became adept at portraying myself in a different light than the one in which I actually dwelled.

I was increasingly uncomfortable in my own skin until I found something that made it easier to fake it: alcohol. Shortly after that came alcohol’s cousin weed, and eventually its’ more distant and deadly cousin cocaine came to hang out too. You see, all these things plus a host of others helped me escape from my own intense loathing of the person as whom I had come to view myself.

It was a cycle that fed into itself: guilt over my lifestyle and the decisions I had made focused the aim of my weakness-in-action on booze and drugs, which in turn led to more guilt and more shameful actions. I was too mentally and spiritually weak to face and deal with the unpleasant thoughts in my head and the difficult emotions in my heart. I copped out and took the easier path; I drank, smoked, snorted and popped pills instead.

These days the struggle is only a bit less intense. The fight against self-loathing is one that I must undertake almost daily. I pray to my Higher Power to increase my ability to love everyone and especially to love myself the way I should, but that doesn’t mean the struggle isn’t there.

Every day affords an opportunity to think myself not good enough. It is yet anther area where positive focus over negative comes into play. I need constant reminders of the good things that I do and the man I have become while being sure to give less weight to my imperfections. The practice of acceptance helps in this case; I accept that I am not perfect and I strive to make progress rather than to be perfect. The mania still catches up with me, but I don’t have to let it control and cripple me anymore.

Negative self-perception does not have to dominate my mental landscape today. I have control over my own thoughts, emotions and actions, and I choose to focus on the good in me and in my life. It’s a choice that you can make as well. Choose to be a happy, joyous and free individual. I think you’ll like the weather over here.

Who Am I to Judge?

The last person who has any right to judge others for anything is a life-long screw up such as myself, but within certain contexts I’m just as guilty of harsh and unfair judgment as anyone has ever been. I immediately turn mentally into that stock "16-year-old snobby girl" movie character when around certain types of people; I suddenly think I have the right to judge people yet expect them to reserve judgment in my case.

I all-too-often resort to taking the inventory of others. If I am too busy taking your inventory I am not paying enough attention to my own, and as such am neglecting my own sobriety. Let’s go over a few of my typical knee-jerk reactions, shall we? If you are sensitive, you may want to stop reading here. I can evidently be a real turd.

- More than marginally overweight? I probably think you’re lazy and mentally weak.

- Smoker? I’ve most likely thought you must be ridiculously thickheaded and  

   mentally weak.

- Habitual soda drinker? All of the above and predictably I typically find you     

   repulsively mentally weak.

- Compulsive attention-seeker? I’m sure I’ve thought your father didn’t pay you      

   enough attention and you are (you guessed it) mentally weak.

Notice a trend? Good. Now I’ll do you one better:

-               Rich? I’ll bet I’ve thought that you’re a pretentious softie who hasn’t gone through any struggle  
                   and just a grown-up version of a spoiled brat.

You see while racism has never been an issue with me, classism has but in reverse of what you would normally expect. Also, in a curious twist I am much quicker to be gracious and understanding of an addict than I am a normal person. Now, that has certain limits: if you are an admitted addict who is half-heartedly going about your recovery I have absolutely no time or patience for you. In that sense I am most definitely NOT mature in my recovery.

There are a few patterns and one big, inescapable overarching concept: I have less than zero right to judge anyone based on anything under the sun, yet I struggle with an addiction to judgment in spite of that realization. That is essentially what it boils down to being: I am compelled by some unseen force to judge others even though I know it to be completely wrong and morally reprehensible. I am in no position to judge any person and neither is anyone else.

I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict who is one sip of whiskey away from turning back into a man who I’ve sworn to never become again. I’ve done many things that would repulse respectable members of society. The act of judgment is one that repulses me, yet I am guilty of it more often than I care to admit.  

Ever heard about what you shouldn’t do if you live in a glass house? I’m working on putting down those stones, one day and one person at a time.

Normal, everyday self-destruction

One curious commonality amongst addicts (active and recovering) is the tendency to reliably seek out ways to mess up even the best of things simply because it’s going right. It’s as if our mind cannot accept that we can live in happiness and success and it rejects the idea like a body may reject a transplanted organ. It isn’t natural to us to be happy, contented or peaceful and something buried deep within our consciousness wills us to make a huge mess of everything as early and often as possible. 

We reject that unnatural positivity and it often seems as though we have fallen in love with being miserable. The addict prefers to “wallow in the bitter morass of self-pity” (AA Basic Text or “Big Book”) and make his or her home in the comfort of self-centered sorrow. We wear our suffering like a warm blanket and take the time to remind everyone about each bit of that suffering every chance we get.

You see, we addicts are great at suffering and surviving. We’ve put ourselves through years of horrible decisions and the consequences thereof. Even once we’ve gotten clean we still feel the aftershocks of our former lives and it seems that they will never end. Once they have subsided, though, perhaps life gets TOO comfortable and by extension too boring.

We’ve made impulse control our calling card and that switch isn’t very easy to turn off. We crave that excitement as a way of escaping normalcy at times and can find no better way to get excited than to feel the familiar rush of self-destruction. It takes us back to some of the most thrilling moments of our active addiction and we are riverboat gamblers once more, even if the moment is fleeting.

We are quick to react in a horrifyingly impulsive way and even quicker to lament the effects once we regain our senses. We have then sated a two-fold hunger: that of a quick and cheap thrill and the familiar buzz of self-pity. Now we’re really at home!

Then we look around and there’s actually real no home left. It is a classic case of sacrificing the permanent on the altar of the immediate (thanks, Rob Silvers). We have indeed stepped back to a place that feels like home only to be sickened by it.

Actively working a program of recovery is one of the only ways to minimize these occurrences, but we all must scream for our higher power when we feel the itch to run a few stoplights for giggles. It comes up for me every few weeks, and that is the surest sign I need to take myself to a meeting and be surrounded by other lunatics in order to regain my sanity.

What a long, strange trip it will always be.