Most of the time, the greatest task of the addict’s call to
a life of rigorous honesty is turning that truth inward on yourself. It’s about
undoing years of self-deception and setting things back on a level and starkly
truthful plane. A person can get
so entangled in his or her own web of deceit that uncovering the truth about
themselves becomes a Herculean task.
Addicts are con men and women so adept at the game of lies
that they’ve blurred their self-perception to the point of buying wholly into
their own smoke and mirrors. I convinced myself that my own façade was my
reality, but it was only after I had set myself free from the trap that my mask
represented that I was able to begin to live honestly with others. I’d
convinced myself of many things that would help disguise my near-crippling
insecurities and those walls had to be destroyed brick by brick if I was to
ever find true happiness and peace.
The lies I told myself were necessarily interwoven with lies
I told everyone around me, and like with any good tall tale my identity was
more of a burden than an existence. I wasn’t an altogether bad guy but I sure
did con my way into and out of situations as it would best benefit my
interests, which usually revolved around my next bottle or gram or quarter
ounce.
As an active alcoholic and addict I was a womanizer and a
troublemaker on my best days; on my worst I was capable of putting anyone
unlucky enough to be in my vicinity in direct and real danger. I truthfully didn’t
even have a grip on my next move and in the end many viewed me as a total
wildcard and hazard to everyone around me and to myself.
There was such a hopeless, helpless feeling accompanying the
thought that the soothing escape offered by any number of substances of abuse
was my only truly reliable friend. This was one of the biggest lies of which
I’d been convinced. I knew when everyone else got tired of my complaints, my
bitterness and resentment that I could turn to the bottle, line, pill or the pipe and
neither would they judge me nor grow weary of my rambling.
I had to humble myself enough to take an honest look at the
man I had become and compare what I saw to the vision I held of the man I
longed to be. I’d just grown tired of the lying, of being “that guy” and a
horrifying disappointment rolled into one and knew that it was simply time. It
was time to make a drastic change and time to step up and be who I was meant to
be. To be that man who I was born to be, I set about on a way of life dedicated
to acknowledging that I didn’t have to be weak and cowardly anymore.
I didn’t have to lie about who I was to feel good enough any
longer. Who I was happened to be
more than just okay or good enough. My authentic self is a man who cares
deeply, maintains fierce loyalty and humbly seeks always for knowledge and
growth. I live life passionately
and do my best to live every moment at peace with my existence in that moment.
Today I practice a policy of rigorous honesty. I fall short
of infallibly living that ideal, but it is an effort that finds its’ greatest
value in genuine daily pursuit. The key remains staying honest with myself about
who I am, why I am here and where I am going. Staying honest about what issues
fall into the category of things I can control (only my own thoughts, words and
actions) and its’ constant companion, things over which I have no control (everything
else in the universe) is another cornerstone. Things have a way of falling into
place at just the right time when we get and stay honest with our fellows and with
ourselves.
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