Identity Crisis

An addict in recovery is faced with a difficult identity crisis. For years or maybe decades he or she has been first the life of the party, then “that” guy or girl, and finally a loner who has isolated from most everyone around so as to better bathe in the pain. And self-pity  How do you begin to transform the perception others have of you, or is it really of great concern to begin with? How do you change your identity into that of being a person-in-progress who also happens to be a recovering addict?

The mantra of “changing your playgrounds, playmates and playthings” is one that is emphatically mentioned quite often in the early stages of recovery. All the counselors at my rehab facility stressed the importance of this vital element, mainly due to the need to avoid triggers. This was balanced out by the “wherever you go, there you are” doctrine, which expresses the hard truth that moving to a different location will not effectively change the fact that the real problem is inside you.

So make that make sense for yourself for a moment: you cannot run from the real root of the problem, which is your diseased, insane mind, but you also can’t fall right back into the same behaviors and social circles and expect things to end up differently than they did before.  Translated, that means you have to confront the real issue while changing habits that will serve only to remind you of the “good” times and help you to “mis-remember” the misery.

So-called friends (your drinking and/or using buddies) will only try and pull you backwards so you can join them in the cycle of self-destruction, but true friends will actually be overjoyed that you’ve decided to become the “you” they always knew you could.  I personally have very good friends that have remained loyal since back in the craziness, but I still have to safeguard my sobriety if and when anyone chooses to partake.

My sobriety does not necessitate anyone else’s, and I always have to remember the wise words of my Uncle John: Keep the keys in your pocket, the tires round and some gas in the tank. If I have to leave a particular situation because I feel within myself that my sobriety and serenity are in jeopardy, my loved ones will understand. If I relapse, all the joy in my life will become transformed back to sorrowful loss and self-punishment.

I went through all the stages of identity that I’ve mentioned above, and now my identity is somewhat different. I’m just Jesse, and that is perfectly acceptable. To some people I’m just a recovering addict, and that is perfectly acceptable too. I am truly a blessed man to have gone through that transformation. This question always remains, however: Who will YOU be today?