Disappointment

We have all faced disappointment from others. You see, as humans we are uniquely gifted to let other humans down. For the addict the guilt, shame and remorse that accompany those moments wherein we have let down those folks who are brave enough to love us is enough to choke the life out of any hope we have for sobriety.

The guilt and shame that live hand-in-hand with all the foolish decisions and hurtful diatribes are favorite things to drink or pick up about.  How simple it is to escape those feelings by looking for the solution to and shelter from our mistakes at the bottom of that bottle or on the other side of that “good, good night.”

Conversely, the feeling of being disappointed is immeasurably difficult to describe. We all know it and have felt it, and as addicts we often times have been the cause of it for our loved ones. To be on the receiving end is an empty, lonely and frankly pitiful feeling. We tend to set ourselves up for disappointment by placing too much of our faith and hope into other humans, forgetting briefly that they are at least as imperfect as are we and every bit as fallible and prone to indiscretion.

How does a healthy person process through the disappointment? I am no expert here; I’ve more often handled disappointments and the accompanying hurts in the least healthy ways you can imagine. I could make a laundry list of the things to not do, but I will make an attempt at positing about some action to take as well.

For one thing, don’t try and hide from or deny the feelings of hurt and disappointment.  Acknowledge them but be careful not to dwell too long in them. Therein lies one of the main points of danger.  You can’t get caught up trying to deny them, as they will surely bubble to the surface eventually.  Admit that they are there and accept that they are real and valid.

The next step is definitely NOT trying to understand why the disappointment happened. This is one of the biggest mistakes we as humans repeatedly make. We don’t have to understand everything, especially when it comes to human nature. We can barely understand our own actions and are spinning our tires in the proverbial mud when we try and understand the actions of other humans. This is a perfect example of a time when we can practice some acceptance (it did happen, after all) and then become solution-oriented. Mucking about in the negative feelings will get you nowhere; on that subject I am an unquestionable expert. Focus on what must be done to repair and mend rather than what caused the damage. Healthy progress cannot be made any other way.

In all things, look to find the positive point-of-view as difficult as that may be. For “normal people” this is a tall order indeed, but a necessary effort. For an addict, it is so necessary that it becomes life-or-death. Instead of focusing on the problem or the way in which you were wronged, seek the lesson and the positive resolution, and therein find the beginning of your healing.