Death and the Addict

Addiction and death are by no means an odd coupling. For so many of us, our path to this end is accelerated by our all-consuming addictions. While not a great mystery that everyone at all times is moving towards our eternal home, the trip can be greatly accelerated by the physical, mental and emotional destruction of unchecked active addiction.

For many active addicts death is the peace we tirelessly seek and never find. Many an active addict has longed for death while lacking the wherewithal to make it happen; we've sought death without ever fully opening the door to welcome it ourselves. There is shelter and comfort somewhere if we can just leave this life behind, because anything has to be better than living like this. We don’t want things to stay the same but we feel that we lack the strength to change.

Wading through the pain of death in our immediate circle often brings the wish that it had been us instead. We beg, plead and cajole with whatever is out there listening for things to somehow be different, for us to somehow switch places with the loved one lost. It is SO CLOSE; that rest from the weariness of self-loathing and abuse for which we long. We are tortured by wishes to share fates with the departed. We get so lost in the “what ifs” and “whys” that we never take the time to accept and make peace with what is.

We then settle into a more determined pattern of self-destruction under the guise of getting over it. Our coping mechanism is in reality a determined avoidance behind the mask of whatever buzz we can create. We tell ourselves that if we don’t think about it, it won’t be able to hurt us. We bury our heads in the sand and do our best to maintain the façade of “dealing with it the best way we know how” which, of course is to not deal with it at all.

At some point the walls come down and we grieve and attempt to process through things; predictably the active addict becomes mired in the abyss of use and abuse and the recovering addict does what it takes to avoid this at all costs. The drugs, drinking and behaviors are our go-to hiding place; we don’t develop the effective means of dealing with adversity because we run to our coping mechanisms and away from what we feel.

As with most everything, the key for the addict is acceptance (not resignation). We must accept that things are exactly as they are and as our program tells us, they are exactly as they should be. We must accept that we might not know why and that we don’t have to in order to accept what has happened. We must accept that life must move forward and that death is simply a part of life, regardless of the timing.

Every time we become aware of the death of another we are touched by memories, and if we choose to allow it haunted by regrets. Every ounce of our reaction to any of life’s happenings is a choice. We always have a choice. 

Raise Your Rock Bottom

Most (if not all) of the people who will read this post have an understanding of the addict’s rock bottom: the set of circumstances which signal the lowest a person is willing to go before they acknowledge that their life has to take a drastic turn. Most addicts have at least a vague awareness of the concept and may or may not have considered where it may be found in their own lives. For many it is lower than they or their loved ones can fathom and that fact will cost them dearly.

For some it is homelessness, while for others it is the utter alienation of friends and family. Poverty, disease and significant legal trouble could all fall into the category as well. As often as any of those individual circumstances may represent rock bottom, a combination of some or all of the above is often what it takes. Multiple trips to institutions (jail or rehab) may be what it takes or perhaps the loss of one too many jobs or family members to the disease.   

I believe that in many ways our bottom is a choice much the same as picking up, drinking or acting out. We often feel as though we have no choice, that our addiction has forced us into a corner and we are at the mercy of its whimsy. I believe that often we as addicts conveniently scapegoat our disease and at times give it far too much power in our lives once we have identified and are addressing it. If we are honest, how many of us in recovery now were totally blindsided by the fact that we had a real problem when we hit our bottom? I’d venture a solid guess that none of us were truly surprised by our addiction although we may have been surprised that it caught up with us the way it did.

The fact is that our bottom boils down to a simple line we've drawn that marks the point where life is too painful to remain the way it is. We draw that line and we can raise it. You have the power to raise your rock bottom by simply wanting more for yourself and more from this life. You have to become willing to admit that enough is enough before it becomes far too much. It shouldn't take multiple attempts although for nearly all of us that is part of our story. I myself made two half-hearted (at best) attempts to stop or "manage" my drinking and drugging with no sustained success.

In all honesty my rock-bottom was almost fortuitously high; I hadn't managed to destroy a marriage or family and I hadn't been to prison or killed anyone. I’d never been homeless and truly never went without for long at all. My mind was made up about the severity of my problem a few years before I decided to do something about it. I was willing to accept a sub-par existence because I never realized I was meant for more. I refused to love or value myself enough to raise my rock bottom.

If you find yourself wondering if you have a drinking, drugging, eating or behavioral problem the chances are solid that you do. ”Normal” people don’t sit around wondering if they are an addict and normal people don’t have others in their life that ask them the same question. Has your behavior caused you to lose more than it has ever benefited you? Do you have fun but rarely find yourself happy? Is escapism more your everyday M.O. than your vacation philosophy? In your own mind, is your life really worth living the way that it is?

Think about it and know for yourself with certainty on which side of the line you stand. Act accordingly. Value yourself enough to want more than existence - allow yourself to have a life. 

Starting Over From the Bottom

It’s fairly common knowledge that a person must hit his or her own ‘rock bottom’ before they can truly begin to take steps toward a life free from the obsession of addiction. What isn't so common is a real understanding of what it means to begin building a life again from the ground floor up. There are lots of repairs to be made before we can really start to make forward strides. A construction metaphor is almost too obvious here, but the parallels cannot be denied.

Foundation is key and that’s where we start. Twelve step programs begin with acceptance of the problem and acknowledging that there is some higher power to whom the problem must be turned over, as we have proven that we cannot handle it ourselves. Then the addict is caused to undertake a spiritual house cleaning and move forward with making amends to those harmed, which often requires a great deal of time and emotional energy (and probably money). All of these thoughts and actions can be likened to pouring or reinforcing the foundation of a house; this gets the accounts back out of the red, reconciles the past and enables us to look to the future.

Once we have squared all accounts, we must focus on growth and moving forward.  This life is a wonderful, breathing, moving thing but some constants must remain steady and we as addicts must remain anchored to them for our own sake. We must always seek to expand or deepen our spirituality in whatever form resonates with the individual. Spirituality and religion are not actually the same and cannot be universally lumped together though they may be the same for some individuals. We must not pick up or act out. We must not be dishonest or keep secrets. We must not give reason for any guilt, shame or remorse to creep into our lives. We must not harbor resentments, no matter how much the world tells us we are justified. We must always do the next right thing every chance we get. We must remain grateful.  

We must remain patient in our recovery, both early on and as we begin to have “a few twenty-four hours” under our belts. We didn't descend into the madness immediately upon the first drink, drug or “incident” and we cannot expect that the rest of the world will be immediately placed at our feet once we get truly clean and sober. It takes time and effort to rebuild a life that was once in a state of complete and total ruin. We have destroyed so much through our active addictions and we must humbly seek to rebuild our lives in due time, rather than our time and we must accept that fact and be at peace with it.

The practice of a regular and rigorous evaluation of our thoughts, words and actions is absolutely necessary; the more often, the better. This keeps the house clean. We must recognize our wrongdoings and quickly move towards apology and rectifying the situation. Once we have committed to the path of right living we cannot think that we will be successful if we go on autopilot.

Our lives will begin to be restored physically, spiritually, financially and relationally. Some things will happen quickly and others come more slowly. All will come to us in due course if we honestly and earnestly work for them.

We must also realize that some things may never again be restored- these can be relationships, wealth or status. We have to accept that. Those things are then just folded into the pages of our story as new chapters become written in the here and now. This is our new normal; our new life requires that we not dwell on what has been lost, but rather focus on all we have gained. It’s not easy, but it is always worth it.

I Can't Get No Satisfaction

The obsessive nature of the addict long outlives the active compulsion to indulge. This lives on in a few ways, particularly the manic drive towards some nebulous “thing” out in the great beyond. This “thing” is different for each of us, but we often become obsessed about striving for something more or greater in whatever ensnares us. While this type of drive can be productive to the point of being admirable, it often can be a case of burning to white-hot heat so fast that it consumes us and leaves our original intentions far behind.  

I've written before of the obsessive drive to make up for lost time or to prove something (anything) to someone (anyone). This post is more focused on a cautionary yet developmental dialogue on behaviors that can narrow this mentality from a broad and dangerous obsessive lifestyle to a laser-like instrument of self-improvement. After all, sobriety to me seems to be made up of a series of intentional attempts at turning negative experiences into positive behaviors.

To be driven towards achieving something without willingness to ever become satisfied seems at a glance to be insanity. After all, who in their right mind would drive towards a goal they never intend to allow themselves to reach? It’s self-defeating by the most conservative evaluation and self-destructive at its most extreme. However, it is feasible to rein in the obsession in a way that makes it extremely productive. This is a prime example of making our addictive nature work for us.

First you must turn the focus of your obsession to self-improvement. A recovery program, expanding your spiritual life and regaining physical well-being are examples of healthy self-improvement. You must begin in earnest and take great care to not be consumed completely by your pursuits. Collective pursuit may be a way of finding a healthy balance, but finding balance is a challenge for any person whether addict or “normie.” Imbalance is an addicts' calling card, so finding the ability to pay attention to multiple things with each in moderation is like balancing a sledgehammer on your index finger.

Being patient with and kind towards yourself while making these sweeping changes is a vital challenge. There’s a way to be content in the fact that you are progressing without settling but it is a tricky tightrope act. Having measurable and attainable goals will help and it is key to have a mentor/sponsor-type figure to help give you an outside perspective that you respect in order to hold you in check.

Even in my years of active addiction, I could recognize and leverage my obsessive addictive tendencies into successful efforts within certain areas of my life. You have to accept, understand and appreciate that this is a part of who you are and that it can be used for good if you respect it and treat it much the same as you would a highly-combustible substance. Use care when handling and don’t “get any on you.”

The Promises of Recovery

Most anyone who has visited the rooms of twelve step meetings have at least heard of “the promises,” a literary work taken from an outline of the Twelve Steps that in a general way lists occurrences for which those people who faithfully pursue real recovery can have a renewed hope. Simply stated, we can and often will regain most of the truly good things we lost in the days of our active addiction provided we humbly and earnestly pursue the path laid before us.

The timetable for the fulfillment of these promises is usually vastly different than the one we would choose for ourselves, and with good reason. As with most any character trait found in “normies,” impatience is magnified by power of ten (or greater) in addicts; if that impatience were indulged it would be harmful to our sobriety and ultimately our very lives. The slow, measured pace of the great life rebuild we must undergo serves to increase our gratitude and by extension our serenity as we experience the process. Nothing worth having comes easily or quickly.

Imagine the harm of having all of the good things we wasted away during our active addiction laid immediately at our feet after we pick up our 30-day chip. How would we react? It is both safe and fair to assume that we would soon fall back into our old ways of thinking and living and would once again stand to lose everything, which in relapse can often mean our very lives. If it were that simple and easy to repair the years of damage wrought by our selfishness and self-centeredness, we’d most often be found turning quickly back to that way of thinking.

The struggle to gain by honesty and humility those things lost in the maelstrom of addiction is inherently valuable. That we must make that effort is the greatest gift bestowed upon us by our recovery. We learn for the first time the true worth of things (including ourselves) when we come to understand both how they are lost and how they are found. We begin the grasp the depth, width and breadth of our own value through this course of action and emerge from it re-forged by the trial.

No one has ever accurately claimed sobriety for the addict would be easy, but anyone who has truly lived it will attest to the fact that it is more than worth it. There is no shortcut to genuine happiness, no helicopter ride to the top of the mountain or cheat code to skip to the end of the game. That serenity and joy must be gained rightly if it is ever to be kept.

There is truth in the statement that even our worst days sober are better than our best days in active addiction. What makes that statement true? The fact that our days in true sobriety are lived fully, honestly and with our undivided, unabated attention and mental presence. When we are doing it correctly we are right here, right now and there is no place else we would rather be.

Forgiveness

We all make mistakes that hurt others. We've all at times held those same types of mistakes against people in and around our lives. We cannot rightfully seek forgiveness if we are unwilling to offer it, and we limit our own potential for happiness if we become committed to the burden of a grudge. We can't truly receive that which we are not willing to give.

The freedom bought by forgiveness is worth much more than the price of your pride. Anyone can be made a slave to resentment, but that servitude is particularly dangerous for the addict. Resentment is the “number one offender,” pushing active addicts towards acting out and those in recovery back towards the downward spiral of relapse and becoming “reactivated.”

Unforgiveness can quickly escalate into an intense obsession that takes up a great deal of time and emotional energy. In a sense, the offending party continues to hurt you for the entirety of the grudge-holding process. As long as they are allowed to live rent-free in your head, they are “winning” and you’ve victimized yourself substantially more than the offense itself ever could.  Unforgiveness is an illness with which you infect your own life.

In terms of pure return on investment, you can’t find much better return than that found with forgiveness. It costs you nothing that you can’t stand to lose anyway and what you receive is priceless. We hold on to resentment and unforgiveness for illogical reasons and to let go of them brings our universe back into balance and harmony. Ultimately our stubborn pride is the bottom-line cost of letting go.

The act of forgiveness is one of setting yourself free to move on from the offense and the offending party (if you so choose). You are bound to the incident and the offender for as long as you choose to carry your unforgiveness. You then become your own worst enemy because you are enslaving yourself with your refusal to forgive and move on from the incident or behaviors. You’ve become beholden to the grudge.

Mentally, emotionally and spiritually you are a slave to your unforgiveness. You alone can also choose to set yourself free from it once you give yourself permission. You must emancipate yourself from the bonds of resentment and unforgiveness, because until you do you’ll never truly live in freedom.

Coping Mechanisms

For many, drinking, using recreational drugs, watching adult content, occasional binge eating (Thanksgiving. Hello?) and/or smoking a random cigarette here or there are ways to relax, unwind or have a bit more fun on the periphery of everyday living. Even when these behaviors occur in occasional excess they may or may not indicate that something deeper is at play.

When picking up or acting out becomes an immediate reaction when things don’t go our way, we are taking steps over the line that separates the normal from the maladjusted. If and when these behaviors become our go-to when life “hands us lemons,” red flags being raised would be an appropriate response.

You see the transition from occasional add-on to outright necessity pivots at the coping mechanism stage. There’s a clear shift if and when that pint of bourbon is the answer to all of life’s challenges, large or small. Many people turn to a substance or behavior when the “worst” happens, but a select few start out that way only to justify use and abuse at every turn in life’s pathway.

Normal people come equipped with a mechanism that through experience gives them the ability to deal with life on life’s terms. In addicts, that mechanism seemingly got misplaced in the process and thrown out with the proverbial packaging. Motivated by perhaps our most severe defect of character we flee from problems instead of trying to deal with them. It is in our nature to mentally cut and run when times get hard even though we remain physically present; we love the pain and the pity far too much to actually pick up and leave most times, but we practice the utmost escapism in the midst of the situation.

After setting down the bottle, figuring out to whom we owe apologies and setting about a course of action to make things right with anyone we have harmed, we must begin to formulate positive coping mechanisms for the first time in our lives.

What we’d previously felt were coping mechanisms weren’t in any way actually helping us cope with anything. “Coping with” and “running from” are apparently two very different things, (who knew?!?) although we didn’t seem to know it at the time. In order to deal with life on life’s terms, we must seek and develop healthy means by which to do so.

These healthy choices can and do include turning to our Higher Power, turning to a positive support group (Twelve Step, faith- or belief-based or otherwise) or recovery program, meditation, seeking wisdom from those we respect, exercising, reading, journaling or any number of things that help us work through the problem constructively instead of burying our heads in the sand and waiting for the storm to pass.

Actually dealing with problems is difficult at first. However, an addict is uniquely positioned to handle most any circumstance with which we are confronted. The things to which we have subjected ourselves have toughened us immeasurably. We truly can make it through anything if we simply give ourselves permission.

The same is true of you “normals.” We all tend to be exactly as tough as we make up our minds to be.

Relapse?

They say that relapse doesn’t have to be a part of recovery. You know what? They’re right. Some people give themselves the pass of adding a “layer” of legitimacy to their recovery story, but this is a prime example of justification. It is not a requirement and a great many “old timers” have never again picked up once setting their minds on sobriety.

Many things can contribute to a relapse, but one thing is for certain: to quote my Uncle John, “There’s no such thing as a slip.” It is all premeditated to one degree or another. Relapse finds its roots much earlier in time than the critical moment of the first drink, drug or act-out. There are a few specific behaviors that almost certainly spell trouble for anyone in recovery.

First, there is a false sense of confidence in his or her ability to stay clean and sober by simply not drinking or picking up. While it is obvious that this is the beginning, it is assuredly not the end of the action items that must be undertaken. You cannot kill a weed without digging up its roots, and you cannot combat addiction without addressing what is behind the compulsion.

Withdrawing from contact with friends, loved ones and especially a sobriety support system such as a 12-step meeting or other form of fellowship is also a huge red flag. It’s a potentially deadly step into isolation. Isolationism is a key character trait amongst we addicted. No matter the circumstance, alarms should ring in the heavens when we begin to withdraw from other people. Something is wrong that, if not addressed could become toxic enough for us to give ourselves an excuse to drink, use or act out, and our next binge always has the potential of being our last (which isn’t necessarily a good thing).

The main reason for the failure of an attempt at sobriety seems to me to be not going after this lifestyle with the right motivation behind your decision. If this is done for anyone or anything other than purely ourselves and our own health and happiness, we are setting ourselves up to fail. External motives, such as pleasing a loved one, court-mandated recovery or social pressures (think an intervention) won’t serve to keep us sober because we are then mainly doing it for “you,” and you will eventually let us down or upset us enough that you become an excuse to pick up again.

Keeping things simple and applying methods that have proven to be successful seem to be keys to relapse prevention. Finding a support group consisting of other addicts, alcoholics, etc., plus figuring out a different way of life utilizing some greater purpose as a guidepost, and understanding and accepting that you cannot do it alone seem to be some of the key themes. No one, myself included can give you a foolproof, ironclad formula that is guaranteed to keep you sane and sober, but I do know what has worked for me. These things may just work for you as well. 

To the family

The impact of addiction on the family and loved ones of the addict is unmistakably hard to quantify and impossible to deny. The addict is selfishness personified while whirling away recklessly in the throes of active addiction and as such he or she rarely if ever stops to consider the profound effect of our choices on friends and loved ones. Countless broken marriages, ruined relationships with children, shattered trusts and pains too deep to be easily forgiven litter the trail of recovery. The simple fact is that we are incapable of justly loving others while we are busy trying to kill ourselves.

Family members are right in the epicenter of “Hurricane Self,” a most apt description of the still-suffering addict. We make rash decisions based on little else outside of whimsical, fleeting impulse while damning the consequences. We don’t stop and consider the effects of our actions on any scale outside of immediate pleasure or pain.

We are enslaved by the need to place our own desires above anything and everything else and as a result we don’t really care what we do to others until the behaviors force us to pay consequences. We then miraculously sprout a conscience in the very same location burned bare by our scathing self-hatred and our guilt and shame know no limits.

The next phase is one of remorse accompanied by some form of expressing deep regret. We then fish for sympathy by telling anyone in earshot that we always screw things up and that we aren’t worth anything and probably never will be. We swiftly turn the focus from the wrongs we have committed to why you should feel as sorry for us as we do for ourselves. The rollercoaster won’t stop until we drive ourselves off on another binge that is destined to bring about this same dramatic sequence: stupidity, apology, and self-loathing. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

I have no right to offer much advice to families of addicts, but I can say what I feel helped me start to turn the corner. Nothing short of unconditional love tempered by a refusal to validate my behavior was ever impactful in a positive way. You can love someone without co-signing on his or her self-destruction.

The tough sort of love, the firm-but-fair and unconditional type was all that ever made me feel okay about being me. That’s all that really works to this day. I still shut down in a very unhealthy way when confronted negatively or by nagging “suggestions.” In order to speak love into the life of an addict you must acknowledge our mistakes but make sure that we know beyond any doubt that you love us anyway. At some point we grant ourselves permission to believe you, and the healing has begun. Further down that same road we begin to internalize the source of our love and can then prove quite capable of loving ourselves and others as well. Admitting our wrongs and becoming willing to make amends for them must follow. Once we can begin to make those amends to our family members we have been put firmly on the path to living happily, feeling joyous and truly free. 

It's Been Awhile

Welcome back, long-lost readership. I have to confess that I took a break from posting because I’d really lost sight of the reasons and aims with which this particular blog began and I needed time to evaluate my ability to return to them. You see I had become dangerously egocentric in the author’s chair and was obsessively focusing on the views, comments, “likes” on Facebook and all the little metric tallies that don’t amount to much outside of an ego stroke in the grand scheme of things.

I began this blog to serve a twofold purpose: to educate “normals” and to help recovering and still-suffering addicts find benefit from whatever of experience, strength and hope that I have to offer.  At no point did I make it a goal to have a certain readership, and in all honesty the broad scope of influence I’d hoped to achieve was merely a function of increasing the levels upon which I fulfilled my purpose in writing. I never imagined I’d become so obsessive about how many people were reading my posts on a nearly minute-to-minute basis.

An addict must take great care to never place him or her self at the epicenter of much of anything, personal projects included. This blog can never be more about me than it is about the message I am trying to deliver. A few occurrences in my personal life helped serve to realign my perspective for the better and bring to light the limits of my personal ability to influence (read: control) other addicts or the disease at large.

The mental illness of addiction is one that cannot be treated by anything other than a willingness to change and the humility required to go to any lengths to stay sober. It’s been said (very accurately, I might add) that recovery from addiction is not for those who need it. Recovery is for those that want it. In the heat of the moment or the throes of desperation the addict will fall back to the comfort zone of personal manipulation and say or do anything temporarily to relieve the stress, strain and spotlight that accompanies a climactic event or confrontation of their illness.  This type of emotional manipulation is as natural as breathing and it takes great effort to avoid falling back into this behavior.

Without due care and attention to our recovery we all will fall back into another place of comfort known as the ego, the self and self-will. Without the mirror provided by some type of fellowship (i.e. AA, NA, or another recovery group filled with other people suffering from our illness) we often cannot see our behaviors for what they are and slip into a sort of emotional or mental relapse state, preceding only the physical response that is sure to follow if we don’t change the road we’re on.

Becoming again a more active participant in my own recovery, as well as the perspective that accompanies the fellowship of other addicts have served to enlighten my thinking in regard to the unhealthy internal focus I’d adopted with this blog. You see, I was delivering the message but I was not keeping my motives in check. One without the other is never good enough for very long. I have decided to divorce myself from the wrong motives, serve the right ones and persevere in my mission while regularly checking my ego at the proverbial door.

That’s all for now. I truly hope that I’ll be seeing you again soon, friends.