It's Been Awhile

Welcome back, long-lost readership. I have to confess that I took a break from posting because I’d really lost sight of the reasons and aims with which this particular blog began and I needed time to evaluate my ability to return to them. You see I had become dangerously egocentric in the author’s chair and was obsessively focusing on the views, comments, “likes” on Facebook and all the little metric tallies that don’t amount to much outside of an ego stroke in the grand scheme of things.

I began this blog to serve a twofold purpose: to educate “normals” and to help recovering and still-suffering addicts find benefit from whatever of experience, strength and hope that I have to offer.  At no point did I make it a goal to have a certain readership, and in all honesty the broad scope of influence I’d hoped to achieve was merely a function of increasing the levels upon which I fulfilled my purpose in writing. I never imagined I’d become so obsessive about how many people were reading my posts on a nearly minute-to-minute basis.

An addict must take great care to never place him or her self at the epicenter of much of anything, personal projects included. This blog can never be more about me than it is about the message I am trying to deliver. A few occurrences in my personal life helped serve to realign my perspective for the better and bring to light the limits of my personal ability to influence (read: control) other addicts or the disease at large.

The mental illness of addiction is one that cannot be treated by anything other than a willingness to change and the humility required to go to any lengths to stay sober. It’s been said (very accurately, I might add) that recovery from addiction is not for those who need it. Recovery is for those that want it. In the heat of the moment or the throes of desperation the addict will fall back to the comfort zone of personal manipulation and say or do anything temporarily to relieve the stress, strain and spotlight that accompanies a climactic event or confrontation of their illness.  This type of emotional manipulation is as natural as breathing and it takes great effort to avoid falling back into this behavior.

Without due care and attention to our recovery we all will fall back into another place of comfort known as the ego, the self and self-will. Without the mirror provided by some type of fellowship (i.e. AA, NA, or another recovery group filled with other people suffering from our illness) we often cannot see our behaviors for what they are and slip into a sort of emotional or mental relapse state, preceding only the physical response that is sure to follow if we don’t change the road we’re on.

Becoming again a more active participant in my own recovery, as well as the perspective that accompanies the fellowship of other addicts have served to enlighten my thinking in regard to the unhealthy internal focus I’d adopted with this blog. You see, I was delivering the message but I was not keeping my motives in check. One without the other is never good enough for very long. I have decided to divorce myself from the wrong motives, serve the right ones and persevere in my mission while regularly checking my ego at the proverbial door.

That’s all for now. I truly hope that I’ll be seeing you again soon, friends.