Death and the Addict

Addiction and death are by no means an odd coupling. For so many of us, our path to this end is accelerated by our all-consuming addictions. While not a great mystery that everyone at all times is moving towards our eternal home, the trip can be greatly accelerated by the physical, mental and emotional destruction of unchecked active addiction.

For many active addicts death is the peace we tirelessly seek and never find. Many an active addict has longed for death while lacking the wherewithal to make it happen; we've sought death without ever fully opening the door to welcome it ourselves. There is shelter and comfort somewhere if we can just leave this life behind, because anything has to be better than living like this. We don’t want things to stay the same but we feel that we lack the strength to change.

Wading through the pain of death in our immediate circle often brings the wish that it had been us instead. We beg, plead and cajole with whatever is out there listening for things to somehow be different, for us to somehow switch places with the loved one lost. It is SO CLOSE; that rest from the weariness of self-loathing and abuse for which we long. We are tortured by wishes to share fates with the departed. We get so lost in the “what ifs” and “whys” that we never take the time to accept and make peace with what is.

We then settle into a more determined pattern of self-destruction under the guise of getting over it. Our coping mechanism is in reality a determined avoidance behind the mask of whatever buzz we can create. We tell ourselves that if we don’t think about it, it won’t be able to hurt us. We bury our heads in the sand and do our best to maintain the façade of “dealing with it the best way we know how” which, of course is to not deal with it at all.

At some point the walls come down and we grieve and attempt to process through things; predictably the active addict becomes mired in the abyss of use and abuse and the recovering addict does what it takes to avoid this at all costs. The drugs, drinking and behaviors are our go-to hiding place; we don’t develop the effective means of dealing with adversity because we run to our coping mechanisms and away from what we feel.

As with most everything, the key for the addict is acceptance (not resignation). We must accept that things are exactly as they are and as our program tells us, they are exactly as they should be. We must accept that we might not know why and that we don’t have to in order to accept what has happened. We must accept that life must move forward and that death is simply a part of life, regardless of the timing.

Every time we become aware of the death of another we are touched by memories, and if we choose to allow it haunted by regrets. Every ounce of our reaction to any of life’s happenings is a choice. We always have a choice.