I Can't Go Back

Everyone in recovery, from that newcomer who picks up their 24-hour chip at a local AA meeting to the seasoned “Old Timer” with 20+ years of clean time has their moments of craving. I’ll grant you that they become less frequent over time, but for the addict they never completely disappear. There will always be the memory of the fun and the escape and sometimes that memory is enough to drown out the screams of logic that remind you of the days after, the legal fees and the shabby employment record. 

When we lose track of the things that brought us to the breaking point we can lose sight of how much different things have become. We forget the day-to-day, minute-to-minute misery of the spiritual malady we sought to cure with the main thing making it worse.

If I told you today that I never had fun drinking and drugging I would be lying, and lying isn't in my MO any longer. I have memories of some very fun misadventures and hilarious stories for days. I have my moments today of considering just how much fun it could be to drink or use again; some days it’s as though I can taste the whiskey and cocaine and it actually makes my heart beat a bit faster. The smallest segment of my consciousness tries to tell me that I could do it again.

Then the weight of everything that comes with picking up and acting out comes crashing down upon me. I remember once more just how sick I was- I hated myself and most everyone else nearly every waking minute. I had a laundry list of failings and hurts that were all your fault and I complained about them to anyone who would even act like they were listing. I became a terribly negative person and I was truly spiritually dead. I didn't really live for the moment as much as I lived for the buzz. I was grateful for nothing and resentful of everything. Envy, anger and guilt were my closest friends and were with me every moment.

I was empty. I had fun but I had no happiness.  I had friends but I had zero self-worth. As much fun as I might convince myself another drink or drug may be, the cost of returning to that old way of thinking and living is far too much to pay. I had no hope. I had no purpose. I had no joy and felt no love that could compare with that which I feel today. When viewed through that honest lens, the choice makes itself.

I am blessed to be living the life I’d always imagined and I do what I must today to stay here. That involves not picking up or acting out as well as paying specific attention to my gratitude, spirituality and mental and physical health. I must be of service to my fellows and I must do the next right thing every time I get the chance. When I am wrong or do wrong, I must admit it and set it right as soon as possible. I must be sure that I am not the center of my own universe and I must love others even when they are unlovable. If I do all of those things today, I may just make it.

I must do all of those things because I simply can’t go back to the way things were.