Self-loathing

When an average person thinks of addiction triggers, they probably picture things that are much more glamorous or stylized than reality. No, I find no special urge at the sight of a short straw, an icy beverage or watching a good ol’ stoner movie. I’m not especially awakened by environmental stimuli. My triggers run from a much more internalized place.  

At some indeterminate place in my childhood, I began to struggle with just not liking myself. I was chubby, nerdy and white in schools with fellow students who were decidedly none of the three.  I could always use humor as a means of defusing a situation, but at an early age I became adept at portraying myself in a different light than the one in which I actually dwelled.

I was increasingly uncomfortable in my own skin until I found something that made it easier to fake it: alcohol. Shortly after that came alcohol’s cousin weed, and eventually its’ more distant and deadly cousin cocaine came to hang out too. You see, all these things plus a host of others helped me escape from my own intense loathing of the person as whom I had come to view myself.

It was a cycle that fed into itself: guilt over my lifestyle and the decisions I had made focused the aim of my weakness-in-action on booze and drugs, which in turn led to more guilt and more shameful actions. I was too mentally and spiritually weak to face and deal with the unpleasant thoughts in my head and the difficult emotions in my heart. I copped out and took the easier path; I drank, smoked, snorted and popped pills instead.

These days the struggle is only a bit less intense. The fight against self-loathing is one that I must undertake almost daily. I pray to my Higher Power to increase my ability to love everyone and especially to love myself the way I should, but that doesn’t mean the struggle isn’t there.

Every day affords an opportunity to think myself not good enough. It is yet anther area where positive focus over negative comes into play. I need constant reminders of the good things that I do and the man I have become while being sure to give less weight to my imperfections. The practice of acceptance helps in this case; I accept that I am not perfect and I strive to make progress rather than to be perfect. The mania still catches up with me, but I don’t have to let it control and cripple me anymore.

Negative self-perception does not have to dominate my mental landscape today. I have control over my own thoughts, emotions and actions, and I choose to focus on the good in me and in my life. It’s a choice that you can make as well. Choose to be a happy, joyous and free individual. I think you’ll like the weather over here.