Pocket Translation Guide: What Do I Really Mean?

In this day and age the idea of expressing yourself authentically is a fairly common and adopted modus operandi. For the addict, we’ve made our method of communicating be what it must in order to get what we want, authenticity being a secondary priority (if it is one at all).  You morph into whatever form will best appeal to your audience and away you go.

In order that you may better understand my meaning, I want to offer up for you a sort of translation guide to Addict Speak. Bear in mind that the addicted mind works in the same fashion no matter the manifestation of the actual addiction (alcoholic, drug addict, sex addict, food addict, etc). In that spirit, understand that some of the verbiage may need to be slightly adjusted to fit a different set of circumstances but the spirit will remain universally applicable.

-       “Thank you so much for this compliment/award/gift/ pat on the back!”

Translation: ”Awesome. Something else I don’t think I deserve that I can’t really afford to accept or acknowledge, lest I get lazy and start sucking at life again. How fast can I make you forget about this?”

-       “Things are good for/with me. Thanks for asking.”

Translation: “I’m not drunk/stoned/laid up with a hooker, right? Stuff is going well enough I’d say.”

-       “ _______________ (Insert witty or philosophical Facebook/Twitter/LinkedIn  

quote/quip)”

Translation: “This is exactly what is on my mind that I am struggling with this very moment. It doesn’t actually matter if it applies to you, but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD TELL ME YOU LIKE IT/LOVE IT/WANT SOME MORE OF IT!!! I’m saying it both to get attention and to validate my thought process by testing it in front of a jury of my virtual peers. PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!”

-       “I’m just taking things one day at a time.”

Translation: “I really think my life sucks right now. I’m stuck inside my own head and wallowing in the aforementioned suckiness. Don’t give me advice; just tell me you love me and that you’re proud of me even when you aren’t. If you really want to know how things are, take a seat and get ready to stay a while.”

-       “Sorry about that. I’ll do better next time, man.’

Translation: “Look jerk, get off my back. I know I messed up and I’m already totally shredding myself over it on the inside. Go back to whatever you were doing and leave me to my own torment. I feel bad enough anyway.”

-       “Nah man, I’m not nervous.”

Translation: “Of course I’m anxious, but I always am. I constantly second-guess and doubt myself, and this is no different than that. Unlike a normal human, I live in mental discomfort. This is no big deal. Now leave me alone.”

This is a raw, mostly unedited (read: minus all the cussing) glimpse into the mind of an addict. There’s no better therapy for me than to be transparent with you and to make myself vulnerable and less shiny. Like any other addict I am relieved to finally be “real” with people. If it makes me feel bad or guilty, even better; those are the mindsets to which I am the most accustomed.

We all just want to be a bit more understood, right? This is another opportunity to process some of the addict's insanity. 

Paranoid much?

For most of my life I feel as though I have generally been well liked. People don’t seem to mind carrying on conversations with me or being in my company, at least for reasonable amounts of time.  Let’s face it: if you’re reading this, you probably think I’m at least good for a laugh now and then. There’s just one problem with all of that, and that is the fact that I don’t believe you.

Even if we’ve hung out since the first grade on one level or another, I second-guess your sincerity each and every time we talk, text, exchange emails or pleasantries. I have to spend at least a half an hour’s worth of inner monologue convincing myself that you at least probably like me more often than I get on your nerves. Even at this very moment mid-paragraph, my thought is that I’m probably about 50/50 concerning the accuracy of those daily prognostications about the regard in which you really hold me.

To an addict, absurd and paralyzing paranoia is as familiar as the sting of self-loathing or the crushing weight of our perpetual failure. I spend much of my time second-guessing myself; what in the world makes you think I don’t do the same thing to you? I question everyone’s intentions, motives and sincerity on a minute-by-minute basis. I suspect you primarily because I’ve spent a lifetime being suspicious of myself.

You do the math: nothing I do is ever good enough for my liking and it seems that nearly no decision of mine is 100% solidly fool-proof. Add a constant battle to not regard myself with absolute loathing and disgust and divide that by a factor of the false bravado that somehow tells me I’m probably smarter than a lot of people walking around and you get the jumbled and messy regularity of paranoia perfected as the sum. Remember the egomaniac with a self-esteem issue? That’s just my soul on a toasted Kaiser roll.

Smile and say hi? You probably don’t remember my name. Shake my hand? It’s just for show. You don’t go out of your way to “like” my witty Facebook post or “favorite” my awesome Tweet? Our friendship must really be on the rocks if you aren’t sitting around obsessing over my every move, huh? Give me a hug and ask me how I’m doing? Well, you probably want me to do you a favor.

Remember that there is no honor amongst thieves or addicts and that my mind is dealing with a decade of programmed responses to what would qualify in certain circles as over-the-top behavior.

Making peace with this inner demon is like wrestling a greased pig. Every time I seem to get a hold on it, something in my mind slips and makes me doubt everyone all over again. It’s all a product of my own insecurity and it sometimes just comes down to a fundamental flaw of my character. All I can do is (to quote Thich Nhat Hanh) smile, breathe and go slowly. I pray, meditate and am reminded that even if it is just for today, I’m all right and you probably are too. I also remember that it isn’t actually my business whether or not you like me. All I can do is the next right thing and the way you view me is your prerogative. It’s your choice to make and I have to make the choice to simply leave it at that.

Worthiness

Addicts typically have suffered through years of mind-numbingly embarrassing behaviors, mistakes and failures. This is no great revelation. We are marked by both our amazing potential and the crippling tendency to disappoint everyone in our immediate vicinity. It is what we do and seems to become who we are. This notion doesn’t disappear when we put the bottle down; we seemingly cannot and probably will not be able to forget any of the times we came up short in our efforts.

This leads to negative and self-defeating thoughts and self-perception, and why wouldn’t it? When we were good we were pretty good, but when we were bad (which was much more often the case) it was a spectacular train wreck. Long after we’ve come to our senses we notice that we still can’t seem to escape the idea that our mistakes have lessened our worth. Our accumulated damage seems to drive our value so far down that we often don’t feel worthy of basic happiness, health and security.

I got clean and sober a shade under 44 months ago and I have long since struggled with the idea that I wasn’t worthy of happiness. I didn’t believe myself to be worthy of holding a good, rewarding job or being loved romantically. I’d run roughshod over both of those areas of my life for so long that I convinced myself I was too far gone. My best years seemed to have been spent at the bottom of a whiskey bottle and a gram bag. My time had passed and I would simply have to spend the rest of my life accepting that fact. Real happiness would lie forever beyond my grasp because I didn’t deserve it. I was not worthy of it.

This idea is completely, mercifully and absolutely wrong. You see, no matter how far off the beaten path things may have gotten, once you make the choice to live rightly all these positive things can and will be introduced to your life if you become willing to accept your worthiness of them.

I spent my first few years of sobriety in some less-than-stellar situations because I believed that they were the best for which I could hope. I subjected myself to some misery because I did not think myself worthy of anything better. I bought into that lie wholeheartedly until I came to understand that I was NOT the man I used to be inside or out and I didn't have to settle.

I am worthy of a job where I feel appreciated, valued and respected. The same goes for relationships, romantic or otherwise. I have finally found the happiness of which I felt for so long unworthy. I am not a slave to my past unless I choose to make myself one and today I choose to remain free, awake and alive. I am worthy, and so are you.

You have the power!

It’s no secret that past experiences shape who we are in the present. The person you see in the mirror is the sum total of everything you have experienced up until that precise moment.  Good or bad, happy or sad it all adds up to a hard-fired, hardwired human machine that is being constantly modified by life and intention.

Just how each and every life experience influences the shape into which you find yourself molded is entirely of your own choosing. You are just as capable of being broken as you are of growing immeasurably stronger as a result of the exact same event, depending on your choice of outlook and attitude. You can use it or allow it to use and abuse you.

The fact is that we are all operating under a status quo of free will (unless we have chosen to do something for which we must pay a consequence involving the surrender of our freedoms) and as such have the ability to determine our path in life. Each of life’s moments is comprised of a choice, and every thought, word and deed is the result of those choices.

Going left when in hindsight we may have been better advised to go right brings about a series of consequences, varying in size and effect. Another choice is made on the backside of that decision; that of how best to act as a result of those consequences. Do we ponder our misstep and curse the fates, allowing our joy to be washed away by bitterness and resentment? Do we chalk it up to life experience and glean every bit of knowledge and wisdom from our mistake that we can and leave it in the past?  I can tell you what might be the most ideal decision, but only you can decide which you will make.

For many of us, we understand this freedom of self-determination to be both the greatest gift and the biggest responsibility given us by our Higher Power. Others who may not readily subscribe to the belief in a Higher Power will still acknowledge the power and freedom of choice in our lives. You see, no addict on the road to healthy recovery will place the blame solely at the feet of the disease of addiction. Recognition of the choices we made and the subsequent consequences, reaction and possible additional consequences for the reaction are a large part of the moral, mental and spiritual house cleaning we must all undergo. We have to throw out the old junk and the old mentality and choose to forge a new way of thinking and a new way of living.

By turning the power of choice toward our past, we can reconcile with it and bring the books back square. We can change our perception of an event from that of earth-shattering destruction to an idea of mind-opening personal growth. From here on out, you have to decide: Will it break you or help make you who you were born to become?

Help?!? Who needs help?

People are willing to ask almost anything of another person. Without blinking, a friend will ask to borrow money or crash on the couch. They will ask for you to spend some time and energy helping them move or maybe to watch their kids for a date night. One thing that most are reluctant to request is a bit of real help- the kind of help that reaches past the superficial level.

Why are we so slow to ask for help, waiting until the ship is overrun and sinking to call in the rat-catcher? As addicts we are especially predisposed to this foolish way of  refusing to recognize the depth of our challenges and ignoring the need ask for outside assistance. We will drink ourselves out of house and home or use until we have lost nearly everything before we can even open our minds to the idea of asking for some help. That requires that we humble ourselves and admit wrongdoing first, and that is much to ask of an egomaniac- one who is just as addicted to his or her own bloated self-image as he or she may be to emptying the whiskey bottle.

The whole idea of hitting bottom comes into play at this point, and that brings with it myriad questions that can only be answered by addicts themselves. How much do you have to lose before you have lost all you are willing to see go? How foolish are we? Is our pride worth more to us than our very lives, because that is truly the choice to which it all boils down?

Do we not see that this stubborn pride has brought us nothing but unnecessary heartache? No, we really don’t while in the haze of active addiction. Once the fog has lifted, we can gaze into the past with 20/20 hindsight and realize it, but during the tempest that is life in active addiction we cannot see anything outside of the easiest way to the next drink or fix.

Something has to “break” us to get us to the point of being willing to not just seek but accept real life-changing help from anyone else. What that breaking point may be is as individual as a fingerprint and perhaps more telling.

The next step after realizing that you want and need help is figuring out from where you can receive the kind of help you need. Where do you look then? For many it will (and should) be a higher power of their understanding. Beyond that, the easy answer is a 12 Step Meeting, but for many the more realistic one is a person whom you respect, trust and maybe admire. Someone who is where you’d like to be is the best source of wisdom available; someone who has lived your struggle and made it to the other side safe and thriving.  The quickest route to the life you want for yourself is to be surrounded by people who are where you want to be.

You are responsible

The fact of the matter is that all any person can truly control are their own thoughts, words and actions. You have no direct control (and much less influence than you probably think) over the thoughts, words or actions of any other person.  It is as simple as drawing a breath to become infuriated at a perceived slight or annoying behavior, but we must realize what we surrender each and every time we do: the only sliver of control we have.

We are the source of our own anger, frustration, depression and resentment. We make the choice to allow those feelings to dominate our minds and hearts; while they may be a reaction to something someone else does or says, we alone can dictate how we choose to proceed in light of the offense. If no one else can control what you think, say or do, how can anyone else be blamed for any of it?

Any good 2-year-old can tell you that we don’t like being told what to do or not do. At that young age we have already begun to assert that mental and emotional freedom to an extent. As easy and natural as it is to think, “Nobody can tell me what to do!” it is paradoxically difficult to take responsibility for each and every thought, word or deed.

Our inner infant takes over at the mere thought of owning our own emotions or actions: “No, he made me do it! He made me act this way because he treated me so badly!” or “I’ll teach them to yell at me. I’ll show them just how much I do by taking my foot off the gas this afternoon so they can see how much doesn’t get done.” In our minds it is almost never our own faults. Passing the buck is the new international human past time,

We make those poor choices after we have made the terribly poor choice to give over ownership of our own consciousness to someone who doesn’t even pay part of the rent. Their act alone is simply that: an act, good or bad, better or worse. Our anger, hurt or frustration is a creation entirely of our own making. At a glance this may not seem fair. You may be thinking, “That’s dumb, man. Are you telling me not to do anything when some guy flips me off on the highway? Are you telling me that he isn’t asking for it when I cut him off and slam on my brakes?”

Yes. Yes I am. I am telling you that you have to be an adult and take ownership and stewardship of the greatest gift and biggest responsibility bestowed by the Creator: our ability to choose and our ability to control and steward what we think, say or do. We must see past the hurt and blame to a more sublime and serene way of life. We must take ownership of and responsibility for ourselves and our thoughts, words and actions.

Welcome to the first step. 

The exception to every rule

A common trait amongst addicts and alcoholics is the misguided belief that without exception, we are the exception to every rule. Even the tried-and-true tenets of recovery are simply rules that apply to anyone and everyone else; we are not subject to the same boundaries as all the other addicts who suffer from the exact same spiritual malady in the exact same miserable way, with the same stories and losses accumulated along life’s pathways.

There are few hard-and-fast rules in recovery such as not using, and possessing the desire to stop drinking, using or acting out. There are suggested practices to help in the quest for sobriety in the form of the Twelve Steps and Traditions or other programs that outline similar means by which successful, serene sobriety may be achieved. For the most part, recovery is laid out as a series of suggestions.

In addition, there are the extra-doctrinal suggestions outside of the Steps that were hard-won nuggets of practical wisdom such as avoiding romantic relationships for at least the first year of sobriety.  Most will advise you to not even consider sponsorship during your first year as well. These root from the same reasoning; you are still far too shaky in your own lives (think a newborn colt walking for the first time, only wearing roller skates to boot) to either bring anyone new into them or help anyone else whose lives are in reality not much worse than their own (think blind leading the slightly more blind. Oh the awkwardness that awaits).

Even well into recovery, we think that if a normal person does something in three days, it’ll surely only take us the afternoon. The first time I walked into the SSF Submission Academy, I had no illusions that I would be better than anyone at anything but I seriously entertained the idea that in my own mind maybe I’d catch someone in a submission. That actually only took six months or more in reality. I figured that upon beginning my new job as a higher education coach, I’d be the guy who would have a textbook-perfect meeting the very first time one of my students answered the phone. Talk about setting myself up for disappointment. Deep down, I expect to be the phenomenal wunderkind any time I try something new and as such lose any type of healthy perspective.

Our totally unrealistic expectations of ourselves set us up for continual heartache, pain and feed into our constant desire to practice the age-old art of self-loathing. Deep down, that may explain it better than anything can. We set ourselves up to fail in order to feed our sick hunger to hate that character in the mirror. We are masters of the most self-destructive cycles of behavior across the board, even in spite of our best efforts elsewhere.

We must come to accept that we are not exceptional in that regard. Sure, we are individuals with our own talents, loves and gifts, but we deep down we are the same broken and sick people we see in everyone else every time we enter into the rooms of recovery.  There is no pill, shot or other quick, easy solution. There is also no hierarchy in the sobriety community; we all simply have today for today and are only one drink, toot or toke away from descending once again into the maelstrom. 

Want a realistic glimpse in the mirror? Go sit in a meeting and pick out the most destitute, desperate drunken junkie and remember just how close you are to being him or her again. Neglect your own serenity or recovery and there isn’t much that separates you from that insane life-wrecker known as the first drink.

Accept that the only exception you represent is that you managed to be one to avoid the grave longer than some other addicts. Stop so reliably setting yourself up for emotional devastation and find serenity in the fact that you are a living, breathing example that you can only truly lead by first being willing and able to follow.

You are not the exception to every rule. You are not the gold standard in all things amazing. You are remarkable in the fact that you have recognized a big problem and have become willing to do something about it; be the exception to the rule that all addicts live as reckless egocentrics even long after the last drink. You are you, and who you are has always been more than good enough. Your life will unfold precisely as it should.