The exception to every rule

A common trait amongst addicts and alcoholics is the misguided belief that without exception, we are the exception to every rule. Even the tried-and-true tenets of recovery are simply rules that apply to anyone and everyone else; we are not subject to the same boundaries as all the other addicts who suffer from the exact same spiritual malady in the exact same miserable way, with the same stories and losses accumulated along life’s pathways.

There are few hard-and-fast rules in recovery such as not using, and possessing the desire to stop drinking, using or acting out. There are suggested practices to help in the quest for sobriety in the form of the Twelve Steps and Traditions or other programs that outline similar means by which successful, serene sobriety may be achieved. For the most part, recovery is laid out as a series of suggestions.

In addition, there are the extra-doctrinal suggestions outside of the Steps that were hard-won nuggets of practical wisdom such as avoiding romantic relationships for at least the first year of sobriety.  Most will advise you to not even consider sponsorship during your first year as well. These root from the same reasoning; you are still far too shaky in your own lives (think a newborn colt walking for the first time, only wearing roller skates to boot) to either bring anyone new into them or help anyone else whose lives are in reality not much worse than their own (think blind leading the slightly more blind. Oh the awkwardness that awaits).

Even well into recovery, we think that if a normal person does something in three days, it’ll surely only take us the afternoon. The first time I walked into the SSF Submission Academy, I had no illusions that I would be better than anyone at anything but I seriously entertained the idea that in my own mind maybe I’d catch someone in a submission. That actually only took six months or more in reality. I figured that upon beginning my new job as a higher education coach, I’d be the guy who would have a textbook-perfect meeting the very first time one of my students answered the phone. Talk about setting myself up for disappointment. Deep down, I expect to be the phenomenal wunderkind any time I try something new and as such lose any type of healthy perspective.

Our totally unrealistic expectations of ourselves set us up for continual heartache, pain and feed into our constant desire to practice the age-old art of self-loathing. Deep down, that may explain it better than anything can. We set ourselves up to fail in order to feed our sick hunger to hate that character in the mirror. We are masters of the most self-destructive cycles of behavior across the board, even in spite of our best efforts elsewhere.

We must come to accept that we are not exceptional in that regard. Sure, we are individuals with our own talents, loves and gifts, but we deep down we are the same broken and sick people we see in everyone else every time we enter into the rooms of recovery.  There is no pill, shot or other quick, easy solution. There is also no hierarchy in the sobriety community; we all simply have today for today and are only one drink, toot or toke away from descending once again into the maelstrom. 

Want a realistic glimpse in the mirror? Go sit in a meeting and pick out the most destitute, desperate drunken junkie and remember just how close you are to being him or her again. Neglect your own serenity or recovery and there isn’t much that separates you from that insane life-wrecker known as the first drink.

Accept that the only exception you represent is that you managed to be one to avoid the grave longer than some other addicts. Stop so reliably setting yourself up for emotional devastation and find serenity in the fact that you are a living, breathing example that you can only truly lead by first being willing and able to follow.

You are not the exception to every rule. You are not the gold standard in all things amazing. You are remarkable in the fact that you have recognized a big problem and have become willing to do something about it; be the exception to the rule that all addicts live as reckless egocentrics even long after the last drink. You are you, and who you are has always been more than good enough. Your life will unfold precisely as it should.