External Validation

As much as I hate to admit it, I must own the fact that I need external validation/approval much more than it might seem. When I sit and think about it, the root of this need (desire) is fairly simple to trace: as much as I love my father, he was not one to make it very clear to me that he was proud of me (or proud of anyone to their face). That fact was my favorite thing to drink and drug over for years. 

He told anyone else who would listen how proud of me he was. He was deeply proud of the way I handled blowing out my knee my senior year in football and he almost admired the resiliency I showed in bouncing back from my car wreck. I never got to hear these things first hand and he will never have the chance to tell me. This is a void that can't ever truly be filled, although I have tried desperately to do so. I try to fill that void now without admitting it - until this post, that is. 

I shun or deflect praise whenever I receive it, but the truth is that I crave it more than you can or will ever know.

Sometimes I really feel like my mom has gone out of her way to try and make up for those expressions of pride that my dad left unsaid. Growing up there was never any doubt that my mom was proud, and I have no room to doubt it now. Some of that probably also comes from her mom (my grandmother, obviously) making a conscious effort, as she once told me, to never let someone feel too good about themselves lest they get a big head. She told me this years ago and it’s plain to see the effect it has had on my mother.

The truth is that if I only have my own best estimate to guide me, my worth is much less than you’d imagine. I need reassurances that the average adult has grown beyond seeking. I still usually feel weak and only occasionally worthwhile. I mostly just dislike myself.

If I care for you and if I think you’re disappointed in me or have started to dislike me too, it literally makes me feel as though my soul is collapsing in on itself and I want to die. The darkness is crushing.

I have a very fragile sort of strength when it comes to “me.” I obviously make it by day-to-day and have a fulfilling life that involves helping others, which is all I’ve truly wanted since I was a child. I can be a magnificent resource in that way for others, but I have a difficult-nigh-impossible time being kind to myself so I need you to do that for me. To depend on another human in that way, selfish and self-centered beings that we are, is to set myself up for repeated disappointment because that is no one else’s obligation.

The first kindness that I owe is to myself and I simply must do a better job of paying it. Does any of this resonate with you? If so, this may be a bill you owe to yourself as well and maybe we can grow better at this together. 

Feeling Overwhelmed

Work. School. Meetings. Spouse. Volunteering. Kids. Exercise. Sponsorship. Tee ball practice. Pets. Life. Sometimes it’s just too much for even the best of us, and the first thing we neglect is ourselves.

I feel this sensation of overwhelm much more often than I will own in conversation. I don’t like to admit that sometimes it’s just too much, or that at times folks collectively ask too much of me. I allow myself to be pulled in eight different directions at any given time and often wish that I could be doing more for more people. The fact is that I can’t really do what I am already doing most of the time- I find a way, but at the expense of my own serenity and joy (not to mention the time away from my wife).

I allow myself to get over-committed because I feel the siren’s song of overactive service as a means of making amends to the entire world for my years as a Grade-A self-centered schmuck. I feel like I owe a debt to everyone that I can never possibly repay, but that I also cannot neglect to make “payments” towards.

A big part of healthy sobriety is sponsorship and service to others (in or out of the context of recovery). Part of my service is because I must get outside of myself to maintain my sobriety, and part of it is because I feel called to do it out of an obligation to be unselfish. I never feel like I do enough even though I basically always do way too much.

The reason it never feels like enough is that I am chasing a ghost I can never catch- I cannot possibly get back the opportunities to do the right thing that I missed while in the throes of my active addiction, but I refuse to believe that not being able to “win” is ever a good enough reason to not try. I never want to be unavailable to the call of another person in need, because in many cases I am uniquely capable of offering support in a way that others cannot. I know that, so I answer the call.

The question becomes this: If I am doing so much for others in the name of maintaining my sobriety that I am actually putting my sobriety at risk, is it still the right thing to do?

Many of you don’t believe I will ever drink or drug again, but that is out of a lack of understanding about addiction. I promise you that you can’t fathom how close I have already come to relapse in my own mind. There are days I can taste the whiskey and feel the “drip” and all I want is to disappear into a soul-crushing black hole of my own creation. You can’t imagine how inexplicably drawn I am to crawling under a rock and hanging out with the rest of the decay.

Some moments of some days all I want to do is upset the apple cart of your expectations with my own tendency towards self-destruction JUST TO SHOW YOU THAT I CAN. In those times, I want to disappoint everyone and wreck everything just to destroy everyone’s expectations. I want to make you realize how unpredictable I am while at the same time craving your trust. I want to rage against the life I have built for myself because my base instinct will always be to self-destruct. I am addicted to self-pity. Part of me will always want to back myself into a corner so I can fight my way back out of it.

Yes, that is absolutely crazy. So am I.

Thanks goodness that my memory is not nearly as short as my ability to control my impulses. I can’t afford to forget what that life was like and how horribly miserable that non-existence actually was. Do I need to be more effective at setting boundaries? 100% in the affirmative. Is that a good enough reason to drink today? 100% in the negative and it never will be.

Attraction, Rather Than Promotion

Many of the most successful fellowships supporting those with addictions, obsessions or compulsions operate off of the principle of attraction rather than promotion regarding those outside the four walls of the meeting.  No one is supposed to be out in the community at large "evangelizing" on behalf of AA, NA or any of the other numerous Twelve Step-based programs (I'm only addressing those types of programs here, although as an aside I readily acknowledge that many other successful programs of recovery exist). This idea is based on the eleventh tradition as authored in the early years of Alcoholics Anonymous. Today I’d like to dive into some of the reasons why this is the rule and some of the strengths of this “policy.”

The things about a choice-based lifestyle change (positive change, obviously) is that a person has to want to do it for reasons that will genuinely make it stick. “The right reasons” don’t often coincide with advertisement or solicitation, (or court order for that matter) although they can and sometimes do. When a person has come to a turning point they are typically looking for hope, support and the chance to grow. All of these things can be found in recovery fellowships if they are healthy, and that should be evident in the everyday lives of the members of the fellowship. Good sobriety typically begets maturity, understanding and serenity and these qualities are pretty attractive when lived out.

There are a good many groups who could learn a thing or two from the practical application of this idea of attraction rather than promotion. It’s based on not just having a “thing” that people are seeking, but having members who are more engrossed by living out the principles of the group than trying to win the crowd. It’s “I am who I am, and if you like who I am, I can tell you a bit about how I got to be this way if you ask.”

There’s not supposed to be the constant attempt to publicly spoon-feed anyone anything if individual members are honoring this tradition. No advertising or promoting is needed because those who are actively living this way of life have something good that is also contagious. If you hear something that resonates and you want to give that way of life a shot, there’s a pretty clear path forward - you keep coming back. If not, maybe you don’t; the fact is that the ones who are in need and ready to change tend to find their way back sooner rather than later.

No one needs to rent billboard space to say “Come see what all the fuss is about!” If you are ready, you seek and then you find that which you sought.