Self Will Run Riot

Addicts are prime examples of what can go wrong when the insanity of mental and spiritual sickness takes the reigns.  Case studies in impulse control issues, addicts often make horrendous decisions and later blame everyone and everything except themselves when their lives fall apart.

In rooms of recovery, a favorite saying is “My very best thinking is what got me here.” Before we become truly aware of our plight, our obsessive self-centered thinking causes us to destroy our lives and most of our relationships, so our own decision making process has quite literally left us with no choice but to set ourselves to the work of recovery or languish in misery until we die. The maturation in recovery is often indicated by the realization that addicts’ troubles are almost solely of their own doing, and that simplifying the decision-making process is a necessity.

You see, the mind of an addict is perverted by all-encompassing selfishness and self-centeredness. We are so egocentric that left up to our own devices the addict (both active and in recovery) can literally tie any and everything that happens in the world to him or herself.  It’s a twisted and paranoid form of the Six Degrees of Separation game, and the only spoils of victory are isolation and mistrust. 

We are masters of conspiracy theory and our tendency towards fixation makes us chronic over-analyzers. Surely everyone is out to harm us or “get” us, especially those teetotalers who keep trying to convince us that we have a drinking (or smoking or snorting or pill-popping or chronic masturbation) problem. Surely none of these bad things that have befallen us can be of our own doing. Surely our attempts to control everything can’t have resulted in our crumbling and insecure existence.

All these mental and spiritual issues make surrendering our will and the care of our lives to our conception of a Higher Power a necessity. We have to simplify our decision-making to “doing the next right thing.” You see, if we can compartmentalize our lives into segments of a day, things don’t seem so overwhelming and impossible. If all I focus on is doing the next right thing when the opportunity comes, it doesn’t leave me with much room for worry or the frightened anticipation of horrible events that probably won’t ever come to pass except inside my own twisted imagination.

Thoreau encourages us all to simplify our lives, and simplicity is exactly what the addict needs to make it through the day.  Keep it simple, and you just might make it through another 24 hours clean and sober and happy.

Dealing with life on life’s terms

One of the first, best indicators of a possible problem with any potentially addictive behavior is its’ use as a coping mechanism. The after work beer to mellow out after a tough day that turns into ten and a few shots before you know it, or the occasional weekend toke that creeps into your week as a requisite daily “wake and bake” or any other potentially harmful behavior upon which you feel a growing reliance as a method for dealing with life.

Normal people deal with life as it comes at them. Addicts are too busy running for shelter every time the breeze blows, and one of the more difficult parts of sobriety is learning how to deal with life’s difficulties as a capable, clear-headed adult. You see, no one makes a recovering addict the mistaken promise that things will suddenly get easier; in fact, they are often more difficult since we have abandoned our emotional crutch for a more honest way of living.

It isn’t as though our Higher Power sends everyone in our lives a memo that they are to take it easy on us or give us a break, although we inevitably feel cheated that this hasn’t somehow happened. No one should have to cut us much slack, because we have done nothing but give ourselves “a break” throughout the entirety of our active addiction. We cope with our shortcomings and wrongdoings by bellying up to the bar or partaking in any number of other harmful behaviors rather than facing them, owning them and setting them right.

We spend years refusing to accept responsibility for our mistakes outwardly, even as we inwardly rip ourselves to shreds with guilt, shame and remorse. You’ll never meet a person more capable of self-loathing than an addict, either active or recovering. In fact, the larger-than-life persona most of us project when we have the chance is simply a way to “throw you off the trail” of our shattered sense of self-worth. We have a harder than average time forgiving others because we struggle mightily to forgive ourselves. We are case studies in psychosis and neuroses.

All we can ask is a bit of kindness patience and understanding. You see, we are learning the life skills that you picked up years ago. No one said it was easy, although that would be exactly the thing to make an addict take up this way of life. We are drawn towards the “easier, softer way.” It may not be easy, but living a genuine, real and honest life is worth the struggle. It is worth feeling all the pain and anguish and confusion to simply be able to feel something again. In life, most often you simply have to take the good with the bad and know that it is all exactly as it should be. It is all working together for the good, one day at a time.

The disease of addiction

The average person is able to do certain things without feeling compelled to do them to excess. They don’t feel this burning, incessant desire within themselves to take part in a behavior that is destroying their bodies, minds, spirits, relationships and lives. That is a telltale indicator of the insanity of addiction; why on Earth would someone continue to do something that is harmful to him or her each and every time they do it, to one degree or another?

You see, this mental and spiritual affliction may manifest itself in a variety of ways, but it boils down to a central issue; the problem of an addict is the addict him or herself. We are our own problem and our own worst enemy. We loathe ourselves and routinely sabotage our own happiness and well-being. It is in our nature long after the last drink, toke, fix or toot has faded into the sunset, and even exhibits itself in people who have the addict tendency and are fortunate enough not to be caught up in fully acting on it.

Addiction is a heartless, cunning and baffling adversary. It is a spiritual sickness and not simply a demonstration of weakness or a lack of restraint. It’s a well documented fact that addicts, once clean and living their programs of recovery are some of the hardest-working and most valued members of the workforce; our tendency to fixate and our natural stubbornness are re-channeled into something productive and worthwhile.

If you have never felt the compulsion of addiction, you cannot understand the desperation inherent in that feeling of being drawn like a moth to a flame towards the very thing that is ruining your life, your relationships and ultimately killing you. You know it is wrong, but you can’t stop.  You don’t want to, and couldn’t even if you did. You cannot control the monster. You know your limits and how badly it will hurt you, but you don’t care. You are driven onward like a lemming rushing off a cliff into the ocean of emptiness, guilt and shame but you cannot turn away. Something inside you just will not allow it. Eventually you come to understand that something outside you is the only thing that can treat this infection of your soul. You cannot defeat this affliction on your own. The hope inherent in the Twelve Step philosophy is that your conception of your Higher Power can and will if you are willing to give over control and care of your life.

Buddhists teach that understanding is the root of love, and that you cannot have love without a real understanding of the place from where a person is coming. I hope somehow I am helping increase your understanding and in turn the love of your fellow humans.  If I help even one person “get it,” I am accomplishing what I set out to do.

The number one offender

Resentments

Everyone has people, places or events towards which they harbor resentment, even if they don’t choose to see it.  For a “regular” (read: non-addicted) person, these are very unhealthy and can cause stress, strife and discontent. For an addict, resentments often mean living the life of a “dry drunk,” or in some instances relapse, which can eventually lead to an untimely death directly preceded by a horribly miserable existence. 

Resentments are “the number one offender” for addicts, and truth be told for people in general. Often people are harboring resentment unbeknownst to them. How many people have you “forgiven” only to have a few cross words cause all the negative thoughts, feelings and emotions to boil over once more? Some hurts wound more deeply than others and are harder to let heal.  These resentments are the baggage filled with cinderblocks that hold you back whenever you would rather be moving forward. For addicts, they are a cancer that eats away at our spirit until we are consumed by our anger and hatred. Remember, no half-measures with this bunch. Life can become a rather love-hate existence without any gray “dislike” in the middle.

Some resentments are right in your face every single day. It is a burden that becomes too much at times, and defines the whole “Living life on life’s terms” ideology. When we were in our active addiction, it was exactly the kind of thing that landed us on the barstool every night, and eventually led us to the morning drink. In my case it also lead me to stashing bottles in my car at work, but that’s a whole different post for another time.

For me, the resentment was primarily of myself. I’d cheated myself out of the kind of future I thought I deserved because I decided it was okay to be a constant underachiever in school. I resented the car wreck I’d gotten in, my dad for passing away, and my successful friends. There was honestly a little bit of resentment for everything and everyone in my life. It was a stockpile of resentment that I cashed in every day and replenished every night. Nothing ever got better because I refused to see things for what they were and refused to stop feeling sorry for myself. That is a pretty common story among addicts. The perpetual victim who always blames everyone else for the things he has done to himself.

Are you harboring resentments, jealousies or grudges? Try and write them down, each and every one. Figure out your role in the situation and take responsibility for the wrong you have done and take a moment to forgive someone (there’s probably a bunch of forgiveness that needs to occur for almost everyone in your life). Want to be free? This is certainly one key to that lock. If you truly forgive someone, you are setting both that person and yourself free to fly.