Setting Boundaries

We all know the person (or are the person) who can never tell anyone no. This is rooted in the desire to make others happy or to be the one “Go-To Guy” upon whom everyone can count. We all have those friends and they are beloved and appreciated more than we can ever say.

The place where it gets dicey is where other, more important priorities end up having to take a back seat to that “Open 24 Hours a Day” accommodation of everyone else. This is the time that boundaries must be set; it’s also the time that it may be too late to do so. In some cases you just can’t un-spill that milk.

In the case of an addict in recovery, it’s natural for us to feel like we owe the universe some unresolved and eternal debt. No matter how far we have come, we cannot escape the feeling that we have screwed so many things up that we’ll never be able to get the balance back even. We go above and beyond the logical limits of personal accessibility in an effort to be all things to all people and to try to dig ourselves out of this never-ending hole of spiritual debt.

This is almost without fail a horrible disservice to our own needs for self-care and the true working of our respective program of recovery. Our recovery has to become and remain one of the top priorities in our lives bar none, along with growing our spiritual life in whatever way works best for us. Without those things, nothing else matters because nothing else will really work.

It is such a delicate balance, as service is a necessity of recovery. Overdoing it is kinda our M.O., so we have a tendency to neglect the most important things while chasing this ghost of reparation we can never catch. We can never do enough to feel as though we have reconciled fully with our past.

This is yet another instance where our Higher Power can come in and make all the difference. If we can believe in and truly accept forgiveness from our chosen deity, we can forgive ourselves long enough to not subconsciously sabotage our recovery and sanity by stretching our efforts too thin in any direction.

You have to put first things first, and that without a doubt includes your sobriety if you want to keep it intact. You also must remember that you can find value in taking inventory of more than just your deeds; inventory your life to ensure that your priorities remain in their rightful place. You must be willing to toss away the chaff and give the right attention to that which most requires and deserves it.

Check your motives

Sometimes even when doing the right thing we are doing it for the wrong reason. It is important to understand that your motivation is often more important than the action you take. In the case of an addict, constant checking of our motives is a necessity. Per our hardwired instincts, we could potentially take the most benevolent act and turn it into a manipulation for our own sake.

Our motives must remain pure and fully transparent. We have to do the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing and nothing more, no matter the result. There must be a detachment from the notion of expecting anything in return outside of the peace of having done the right thing. This can go as far as turning down an available “side benefit” that may be associated with a charitable or kind act. Truthfully, that really comes down to your own conscience in the moment.

For instance, I don’t by any means think that something like claiming a deduction on your taxes for making a donation has to be avoided, but you and only you can judge whether or not you made the donation simply because it was what you felt led to do and not due to the gainful side-effect. If that write-off was the only thing that kept you from throwing it in the trash, you probably need to inventory your heart. If you are an addict, this is not actually just a suggestion. While the result may be preferable regardless of the motive, your conscience is always keeping a tally.

I do my best to make honest recommendations borne out of my personal experience. If you are reading this, you quite possibly believe that I possess some validity and am writing from a place of love and the desire to help other addicts, still-suffering or in recovery. Believe me when I tell you that your mind and heart will carry around the baggage of a seemingly harmless decision long after you have forgotten the act itself. You’ll find yourself cursing, screaming and spitting at the wind without even knowing why you’re so angry and by then it may be too late.

This idea of checking your motives is an area where the concept of personal accountability really shines through. You must hold yourself in check; there is literally no other human who can truly know what is on your mind and fuels your motivation. The first check is on the front end as you decide to do something; this isn’t always doable as at times immediate action is the only choice. In that case, you must defer to the option that is always available.

The second check is reflective: the after action review, as it were. This option is virtually always available and must be undertaken as often as possible when the action is of any consequence. If there is any doubt, you must take the time to deconstruct the act and anything that led to it. You must measure it against a rigorous standard of honesty and only you can evaluate the score.

Don’t cheat yourself and don’t give yourself extra credit or a waiver. Get real, be honest and preserve your serenity. The value of that asset cannot be accurately expressed, so defend it vigorously. There may come a time when it is all you have, and if you are an addict that may be enough to keep you alive.