Help?!? Who needs help?

People are willing to ask almost anything of another person. Without blinking, a friend will ask to borrow money or crash on the couch. They will ask for you to spend some time and energy helping them move or maybe to watch their kids for a date night. One thing that most are reluctant to request is a bit of real help- the kind of help that reaches past the superficial level.

Why are we so slow to ask for help, waiting until the ship is overrun and sinking to call in the rat-catcher? As addicts we are especially predisposed to this foolish way of  refusing to recognize the depth of our challenges and ignoring the need ask for outside assistance. We will drink ourselves out of house and home or use until we have lost nearly everything before we can even open our minds to the idea of asking for some help. That requires that we humble ourselves and admit wrongdoing first, and that is much to ask of an egomaniac- one who is just as addicted to his or her own bloated self-image as he or she may be to emptying the whiskey bottle.

The whole idea of hitting bottom comes into play at this point, and that brings with it myriad questions that can only be answered by addicts themselves. How much do you have to lose before you have lost all you are willing to see go? How foolish are we? Is our pride worth more to us than our very lives, because that is truly the choice to which it all boils down?

Do we not see that this stubborn pride has brought us nothing but unnecessary heartache? No, we really don’t while in the haze of active addiction. Once the fog has lifted, we can gaze into the past with 20/20 hindsight and realize it, but during the tempest that is life in active addiction we cannot see anything outside of the easiest way to the next drink or fix.

Something has to “break” us to get us to the point of being willing to not just seek but accept real life-changing help from anyone else. What that breaking point may be is as individual as a fingerprint and perhaps more telling.

The next step after realizing that you want and need help is figuring out from where you can receive the kind of help you need. Where do you look then? For many it will (and should) be a higher power of their understanding. Beyond that, the easy answer is a 12 Step Meeting, but for many the more realistic one is a person whom you respect, trust and maybe admire. Someone who is where you’d like to be is the best source of wisdom available; someone who has lived your struggle and made it to the other side safe and thriving.  The quickest route to the life you want for yourself is to be surrounded by people who are where you want to be.

You are responsible

The fact of the matter is that all any person can truly control are their own thoughts, words and actions. You have no direct control (and much less influence than you probably think) over the thoughts, words or actions of any other person.  It is as simple as drawing a breath to become infuriated at a perceived slight or annoying behavior, but we must realize what we surrender each and every time we do: the only sliver of control we have.

We are the source of our own anger, frustration, depression and resentment. We make the choice to allow those feelings to dominate our minds and hearts; while they may be a reaction to something someone else does or says, we alone can dictate how we choose to proceed in light of the offense. If no one else can control what you think, say or do, how can anyone else be blamed for any of it?

Any good 2-year-old can tell you that we don’t like being told what to do or not do. At that young age we have already begun to assert that mental and emotional freedom to an extent. As easy and natural as it is to think, “Nobody can tell me what to do!” it is paradoxically difficult to take responsibility for each and every thought, word or deed.

Our inner infant takes over at the mere thought of owning our own emotions or actions: “No, he made me do it! He made me act this way because he treated me so badly!” or “I’ll teach them to yell at me. I’ll show them just how much I do by taking my foot off the gas this afternoon so they can see how much doesn’t get done.” In our minds it is almost never our own faults. Passing the buck is the new international human past time,

We make those poor choices after we have made the terribly poor choice to give over ownership of our own consciousness to someone who doesn’t even pay part of the rent. Their act alone is simply that: an act, good or bad, better or worse. Our anger, hurt or frustration is a creation entirely of our own making. At a glance this may not seem fair. You may be thinking, “That’s dumb, man. Are you telling me not to do anything when some guy flips me off on the highway? Are you telling me that he isn’t asking for it when I cut him off and slam on my brakes?”

Yes. Yes I am. I am telling you that you have to be an adult and take ownership and stewardship of the greatest gift and biggest responsibility bestowed by the Creator: our ability to choose and our ability to control and steward what we think, say or do. We must see past the hurt and blame to a more sublime and serene way of life. We must take ownership of and responsibility for ourselves and our thoughts, words and actions.

Welcome to the first step. 

The exception to every rule

A common trait amongst addicts and alcoholics is the misguided belief that without exception, we are the exception to every rule. Even the tried-and-true tenets of recovery are simply rules that apply to anyone and everyone else; we are not subject to the same boundaries as all the other addicts who suffer from the exact same spiritual malady in the exact same miserable way, with the same stories and losses accumulated along life’s pathways.

There are few hard-and-fast rules in recovery such as not using, and possessing the desire to stop drinking, using or acting out. There are suggested practices to help in the quest for sobriety in the form of the Twelve Steps and Traditions or other programs that outline similar means by which successful, serene sobriety may be achieved. For the most part, recovery is laid out as a series of suggestions.

In addition, there are the extra-doctrinal suggestions outside of the Steps that were hard-won nuggets of practical wisdom such as avoiding romantic relationships for at least the first year of sobriety.  Most will advise you to not even consider sponsorship during your first year as well. These root from the same reasoning; you are still far too shaky in your own lives (think a newborn colt walking for the first time, only wearing roller skates to boot) to either bring anyone new into them or help anyone else whose lives are in reality not much worse than their own (think blind leading the slightly more blind. Oh the awkwardness that awaits).

Even well into recovery, we think that if a normal person does something in three days, it’ll surely only take us the afternoon. The first time I walked into the SSF Submission Academy, I had no illusions that I would be better than anyone at anything but I seriously entertained the idea that in my own mind maybe I’d catch someone in a submission. That actually only took six months or more in reality. I figured that upon beginning my new job as a higher education coach, I’d be the guy who would have a textbook-perfect meeting the very first time one of my students answered the phone. Talk about setting myself up for disappointment. Deep down, I expect to be the phenomenal wunderkind any time I try something new and as such lose any type of healthy perspective.

Our totally unrealistic expectations of ourselves set us up for continual heartache, pain and feed into our constant desire to practice the age-old art of self-loathing. Deep down, that may explain it better than anything can. We set ourselves up to fail in order to feed our sick hunger to hate that character in the mirror. We are masters of the most self-destructive cycles of behavior across the board, even in spite of our best efforts elsewhere.

We must come to accept that we are not exceptional in that regard. Sure, we are individuals with our own talents, loves and gifts, but we deep down we are the same broken and sick people we see in everyone else every time we enter into the rooms of recovery.  There is no pill, shot or other quick, easy solution. There is also no hierarchy in the sobriety community; we all simply have today for today and are only one drink, toot or toke away from descending once again into the maelstrom. 

Want a realistic glimpse in the mirror? Go sit in a meeting and pick out the most destitute, desperate drunken junkie and remember just how close you are to being him or her again. Neglect your own serenity or recovery and there isn’t much that separates you from that insane life-wrecker known as the first drink.

Accept that the only exception you represent is that you managed to be one to avoid the grave longer than some other addicts. Stop so reliably setting yourself up for emotional devastation and find serenity in the fact that you are a living, breathing example that you can only truly lead by first being willing and able to follow.

You are not the exception to every rule. You are not the gold standard in all things amazing. You are remarkable in the fact that you have recognized a big problem and have become willing to do something about it; be the exception to the rule that all addicts live as reckless egocentrics even long after the last drink. You are you, and who you are has always been more than good enough. Your life will unfold precisely as it should.