Carrying the Message

I've thought about my worldly legacy from a much younger age than would be considered normal. Even as a small boy, I was convinced that I would do something that really mattered- that was much larger than a lifetime could contain. In those early years, I used to think it would be sports, (believe it or not) and later that changed to singing, (seriously) or the law or government or almost anything- anything that would make me bigger than my hometown, my age, my past or my damage.

One of the things I have found to be critical to my recovery is being willing to carry the message to others- to share what I've learned and how I've grown with folks who may just need to hear it. I've been through a fair amount of junk, and I know that if I don't use that as a vehicle for helping others than it was all for nothing. The pain I felt and the pain I caused would just leave scars with a story, but lacking value.

I take every chance I get these days to help - to share my story of to live my life in a way that leverages those lessons into  opportunities. One of the many unfortunate side-effects of an addictive personality is that almost nothing good is ever enough. Used for good, this insatiability is powerful and driving and uncompromising; however, when it manifests in an unhealthy way, it swallows me in the shadowy aspects of all those adjectives. Enough is never good enough and too much is a myth as I struggle forward unrelentingly into the chasm of impossibility of "satisfaction." I am haunted by a dream of a life that just isn't large enough to matter.

The idea on which I have focus is the fact that one task well done is worth ten half-measures (I know if you look at that mathematically it's not accurate, but the math is never quite the same when applied to matters of the spirit). If I truly give myself completely to dancing in the moment when the moment arrives, I am carrying much of my message out into the world. The message isn't just delivered when I'm speaking to a friend, to a group or to a crowd- it's delivered when I am rigorously honest. It's delivered every time someone knows they can count on me. It's delivered every single time I do the right thing; every time I hold a door open for another or smile at a stranger I am giving freely of what I have been given. I carry the message by living rightly and by living rightly I am creating my legacy.

For me, sobriety is the best of life, coupled with the strength to get through the worst and the perspective to know the difference. Today. Every day.