Seven Years

Seven years ago today, I was broken. I was neither willing nor able to think about conquering anything. I was unwilling to face myself, the man I had become and the life I had thrown together for myself.

I was ashamed.

I was beaten and weak.

Seven years ago today I stopped drinking just so I could eat something. Seven years ago, I didn't know I was planting my flag - I was just trying to stop shaking.

I was in utter disbelief about my predicament. I couldn't lie my way out of it and there was no talking myself into feeling positive about my direction because I didn't have one. I knew something had to change but had not yet landed on what that should be. I wasn't ready to admit any wrongdoing and I wasn't willing to accept that I was the root of my problems.

I wasn't taking a stand. I was cowering beneath the weight of my situation,

I wasn't righting the ship. My ship had no rudder, no sails and no anchor.

I wasn't walking the path. I was just trying to make it - anywhere that wasn't there, where I really was.

I wasn't empowered. I was powerless. Over alcohol. Over drugs. Over my self-pity and my self-loathing.

Before I could gain a sense of self-worth I had to let go of who I had been; that version of myself was no longer who I wanted to be. I had been driven by fear, guilt, shame and dissatisfaction. Dis-ease. Along the way, something began to change. Something clicked and I knew I had found something worth keeping and a version of myself worth being. It was a gradual shift and sometimes that pace was excruciating, but at least I was moving forward.

The man I am today is the sum total of my experiences and I wouldn't change any of them. I am worthy of happiness, love and peace. I've found that in my weakness, I've gained strength and in my pain I have found healing. In the discord I've found harmony and the dissonance has shown me resonance. This journey hasn't been easy and I have no expectation that it will become so. It has, however, been worth every second.

My story - the good, the bad and the ugly - isn't so much a weapon that I brandish as a drink of water that I can offer a weary traveler. My pain showed me my purpose. My struggle is my gift to the world and the path forward is my gift to myself, my loved ones and my future.

Seven years later, I still only have today. Seven years later, every moment of every today is worth living to the fullest.