Irritable? Restless? Discontented?

There are some dangerous mental places for an addict to be: extremes of anger, sadness, happiness and guilt are but few of the many. For this addict in particular, normalcy and routine can lead to some pretty bad ways of thinking.

When life feels too normal, too stable or predictable my mind starts crawling like lava over rocks with an intense, seething itchiness. I become very irritable, restless and am discontented and it is not a healthy place for my mind to be. Thankfully my thoughts only like to take vacations in those places rather than more permanent residence. This is a result of my experiences in recovery and the self-awareness that those times have cultivated in me. I know what it feels like, so I am able to pick up on it and take actions to remedy the situation.

The tough part is that the part of my brain that craves chaos and reckless instability defaults to goading me into taking extreme measures in response to these feeling of bored, boiling angst. I want to not just take action, but take the most reckless action possible to really stir things up and make life interesting.

My urge to do something so alarmingly foolish has fortunately been checked so far by the other, louder part of my brain that screams "DO THE NEXT RIGHT THING!" That's not to say that it always will be shouted down in this way. There is a nearly ever-present longing for doing the wrong thing; it's as though the part of me that loves a challenge wants self-sabotage so blatant to occur so I have the chance to show the word how else I can come back from the brink of ruin or death's doorstep.

It's certainly much more of a cry for attention and/or recognition than a cry for help. I don't know that help is what I need as much as saving from myself. In times when this pattern of thinking has taken hold, it is most crucial to get outside of myself and talk with someone who can understand what I'm thinking. That can only be another addict. To the non-addicted it seems to be no more than impulsive insanity, while to the addict it is just another truth spoken in our language.

Oftentimes when I'm mentally ill-at-ease, something more consistent and deep is happening and I've glossed over it. A more long-term feeling of dissatisfaction or hurt I've buried bubbles to the surface in the form of this grimy, oozing discontent. Times like these call for a pause to reflect for self-examination. I've got to get to the root of what's happening before I go so far as to decide to take a drink or pick something up.

I haven't gotten that far but have been much closer than anyone reading this will realize. Sometimes the only thing keeping me from saying "screw it all" is the knowledge of how many people I'd be letting down if I did. Consider it a sort of socially pressurized control, and know that I'm okay with it if that's the only thing standing between me and a drink or drug in the heat of the moment. I can't reside there too long, but I'll stay sober by any means necessary in the short-term.