Rock Solid?

The kind of guy you can set your watch by. Rain, sleet, snow or hail, he's there.

One trait that has become important to me in sobriety is that of being dependable; I was difficult-to-impossible to count on consistently in my active addiction and I feel the need to offset that now as often as I am able. It feeds my soul to be a man upon whom your can count to be there and to get the job done. I may not be on time (frankly, I'm often late) but you'd have to cut my head off before I would no-show, and even then I'd probably show up with my head tucked under my arm like a football, ready to rock and roll.

This dependability is a great thing on many levels, except when it is coupled with my tendency to never say no to helping. It's a fact that I feel indebted to this world for my years of acting like a donkey, and I've programmed myself to take advantage of every single opportunity to use my experience to try and benefit others. I over-commit, dance my dance and at times wind up feeling a bit worn thin and unappreciated. Let's face it: I'm pretty much an all or nothing guy, which is owed to the central condition of my addictive nature.

I am of the high-output, high burnout sort; I give and go and give some more and at times wind up bitter and battered before I decide to de-commit and withdraw. I am often driven by a fear as old as I am: that of not leaving a significant enough mark on the world to be remembered, much less worth remembering. This fear was only magnified during those time when I realized just how mortal I was- my wreck, my dad dying young and just by paying attention to the goings-on in the world around me. I have one chance to be significant and one opportunity to leave my mark in a way that matters, and I will often drive forward towards that at the expense of my health, relationships and happiness.

What I seek now is the middle ground, because I can't continue to pour out so much of myself while being poured into by others so little. It isn't possible to sustain. I get sick and tired of being sick and tired, much in the same way I was by the end of my drinking and using days. I must admit there's a high I get from feeling needed, but the comedown is pretty unforgiving. I love to feel useful, but hate feeling used and those unfortunately go hand-in-hand far too often.

In truth, there's a powerful tendency in my mind towards self-destruction. It's SO TEMPTING to just start blowing stuff off and being irresponsible just to shake things up. My status quo has become being Johnny on the Spot, and my mind rages against status quo and routine because I get bored and grow restless. My mind has started crawling with a boiling sort of itchiness, so I want to screw it all up to make things interesting. Think of it as that part of my identity wanting to commit suicide so the rest of my identity can re-invent itself again. I'm restless, irritable and discontent- hallmarks of the addict alcoholic - so I desperately want to do something destructive and insane to turn it all on its' head.

I am saying "no" to far too many valuable things most every time I say "yes" to something without weighing the cost. I owe it to myself, my sobriety and semi-sanity, my wife, our marriage and happiness to consider things in a different way than I have. Something has to change for me, and it has to change inn a way that doesn't just nuke all the progress I've made in just over 6 1/2 years of sobriety.

Challenge accepted.