Addiction and death are by no
means an odd coupling. For so many of us, our path to this end is accelerated
by our all-consuming addictions. While not a great mystery that everyone at all
times is moving towards our eternal home, the trip can be greatly accelerated
by the physical, mental and emotional destruction of unchecked active
addiction.
For many active addicts death is
the peace we tirelessly seek and never find. Many an active addict has longed
for death while lacking the wherewithal to make it happen; we've sought death
without ever fully opening the door to welcome it ourselves. There is shelter
and comfort somewhere if we can just leave this life behind, because anything
has to be better than living like this. We don’t want things to stay the same
but we feel that we lack the strength to change.
Wading through the pain of death
in our immediate circle often brings the wish that it had been us instead. We
beg, plead and cajole with whatever is out there listening for things to
somehow be different, for us to somehow switch places with the loved one lost.
It is SO CLOSE; that rest from the weariness of self-loathing and abuse for
which we long. We are tortured by wishes to share fates with the departed. We
get so lost in the “what ifs” and “whys” that we never take the time to accept
and make peace with what is.
We then settle into a more
determined pattern of self-destruction under the guise of getting over it. Our
coping mechanism is in reality a determined avoidance behind the mask of
whatever buzz we can create. We tell ourselves that if we don’t think about it,
it won’t be able to hurt us. We bury our heads in the sand and do our best to
maintain the façade of “dealing with it the best way we know how” which, of
course is to not deal with it at all.
At some point the walls come down
and we grieve and attempt to process through things; predictably the active
addict becomes mired in the abyss of use and abuse and the recovering addict
does what it takes to avoid this at all costs. The drugs, drinking and
behaviors are our go-to hiding place; we don’t develop the effective means of
dealing with adversity because we run to our coping mechanisms and away from
what we feel.
As with most everything, the key
for the addict is acceptance (not resignation). We must accept that things are
exactly as they are and as our program tells us, they are exactly as they
should be. We must accept that we might not know why and that we don’t have to
in order to accept what has happened. We must accept that life must move
forward and that death is simply a part of life, regardless of the timing.
Every time we become aware of the
death of another we are touched by memories, and if we choose to allow it haunted
by regrets. Every ounce of our reaction to any of life’s happenings is a
choice. We always have a choice.
