Coping Mechanisms

For many, drinking, using recreational drugs, watching adult content, occasional binge eating (Thanksgiving. Hello?) and/or smoking a random cigarette here or there are ways to relax, unwind or have a bit more fun on the periphery of everyday living. Even when these behaviors occur in occasional excess they may or may not indicate that something deeper is at play.

When picking up or acting out becomes an immediate reaction when things don’t go our way, we are taking steps over the line that separates the normal from the maladjusted. If and when these behaviors become our go-to when life “hands us lemons,” red flags being raised would be an appropriate response.

You see the transition from occasional add-on to outright necessity pivots at the coping mechanism stage. There’s a clear shift if and when that pint of bourbon is the answer to all of life’s challenges, large or small. Many people turn to a substance or behavior when the “worst” happens, but a select few start out that way only to justify use and abuse at every turn in life’s pathway.

Normal people come equipped with a mechanism that through experience gives them the ability to deal with life on life’s terms. In addicts, that mechanism seemingly got misplaced in the process and thrown out with the proverbial packaging. Motivated by perhaps our most severe defect of character we flee from problems instead of trying to deal with them. It is in our nature to mentally cut and run when times get hard even though we remain physically present; we love the pain and the pity far too much to actually pick up and leave most times, but we practice the utmost escapism in the midst of the situation.

After setting down the bottle, figuring out to whom we owe apologies and setting about a course of action to make things right with anyone we have harmed, we must begin to formulate positive coping mechanisms for the first time in our lives.

What we’d previously felt were coping mechanisms weren’t in any way actually helping us cope with anything. “Coping with” and “running from” are apparently two very different things, (who knew?!?) although we didn’t seem to know it at the time. In order to deal with life on life’s terms, we must seek and develop healthy means by which to do so.

These healthy choices can and do include turning to our Higher Power, turning to a positive support group (Twelve Step, faith- or belief-based or otherwise) or recovery program, meditation, seeking wisdom from those we respect, exercising, reading, journaling or any number of things that help us work through the problem constructively instead of burying our heads in the sand and waiting for the storm to pass.

Actually dealing with problems is difficult at first. However, an addict is uniquely positioned to handle most any circumstance with which we are confronted. The things to which we have subjected ourselves have toughened us immeasurably. We truly can make it through anything if we simply give ourselves permission.

The same is true of you “normals.” We all tend to be exactly as tough as we make up our minds to be.

Relapse?

They say that relapse doesn’t have to be a part of recovery. You know what? They’re right. Some people give themselves the pass of adding a “layer” of legitimacy to their recovery story, but this is a prime example of justification. It is not a requirement and a great many “old timers” have never again picked up once setting their minds on sobriety.

Many things can contribute to a relapse, but one thing is for certain: to quote my Uncle John, “There’s no such thing as a slip.” It is all premeditated to one degree or another. Relapse finds its roots much earlier in time than the critical moment of the first drink, drug or act-out. There are a few specific behaviors that almost certainly spell trouble for anyone in recovery.

First, there is a false sense of confidence in his or her ability to stay clean and sober by simply not drinking or picking up. While it is obvious that this is the beginning, it is assuredly not the end of the action items that must be undertaken. You cannot kill a weed without digging up its roots, and you cannot combat addiction without addressing what is behind the compulsion.

Withdrawing from contact with friends, loved ones and especially a sobriety support system such as a 12-step meeting or other form of fellowship is also a huge red flag. It’s a potentially deadly step into isolation. Isolationism is a key character trait amongst we addicted. No matter the circumstance, alarms should ring in the heavens when we begin to withdraw from other people. Something is wrong that, if not addressed could become toxic enough for us to give ourselves an excuse to drink, use or act out, and our next binge always has the potential of being our last (which isn’t necessarily a good thing).

The main reason for the failure of an attempt at sobriety seems to me to be not going after this lifestyle with the right motivation behind your decision. If this is done for anyone or anything other than purely ourselves and our own health and happiness, we are setting ourselves up to fail. External motives, such as pleasing a loved one, court-mandated recovery or social pressures (think an intervention) won’t serve to keep us sober because we are then mainly doing it for “you,” and you will eventually let us down or upset us enough that you become an excuse to pick up again.

Keeping things simple and applying methods that have proven to be successful seem to be keys to relapse prevention. Finding a support group consisting of other addicts, alcoholics, etc., plus figuring out a different way of life utilizing some greater purpose as a guidepost, and understanding and accepting that you cannot do it alone seem to be some of the key themes. No one, myself included can give you a foolproof, ironclad formula that is guaranteed to keep you sane and sober, but I do know what has worked for me. These things may just work for you as well.